Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 8

Chester onderhandel vreeslik met die Fedex manne, maar dinge werk nie in Gambia so lekker nie. Die Gambia regering is baie streng oor die tipe van ding, en hulle laat nie vir Fedex toe om pakkies te “re-route” sonder dat die volledige naam en besonderhede van die ontvanger van die pakkie bewys kan word nie. Fedex vra vreeslik om verskoning, maar reëls is reëls.

Dear Kevin,

I have talked to Fedex, but there is a slight problem here. Firstly, they don’t like delivering to any place that was not on the original waybill. They already have the package in the offices at Serrekunda, Gambia. This is my fault, I have explained to them, but things are a bit muddy now.

The Gambia government is very strict and will not allow them to smuggle the package out of the country without proof of the indignity of the recipient, Emeka John Paul.

I need all the additional derisory information. I have given them the phone number 0249141364, but they say they need proof of identification from the person who will receive the package, and proof of address. This is needed to get the package delivered in Ghana. Without this information they will confiscate the package.

So, this is not really a big problem, all we need from you is the ID document, or passport, or drivers licence from Emeka John Paul, and all would be fine.

I am sorry for the obnoxious inconvenience. If you could send me that ID information I would be happy to send it on to them for redundant clearance. I am sure it is only a premeditated overbearing procedure and then all would be well.

My sincere commiseration about the ambiguous delay, hopefully this will be finalised soon.

Regards,
Chester

Here is the message from FedEx:

Dear Mr. Williams,

We apologise for the inconvenience caused in the delivery of your package to Ghana. We are, however, under pressure from the Gambia government not to release this package without having the following details from the recipient
in Ghana:

1. Full name:
2. Delivery Address:
3. Any official identity document
as proof of identity (passport, driver’s lizence or national ID document)

Again, we apologise for this inconvenience. We value your frequent business and assure you that your account with us is one of the most important relations we have with Lehman brothers. We will do anything we can to assist you in this matter.

In order for us to expedite this delivery, please provide information as required.

Yours sincerely,
Eugene Terreblanche
Fedex General Manager - Southern African region

Sien, ek praat sommer reguit van “smuggle the package”.

“proof of the indignity”

Nog ‘n taallessie: die woord indignity is sinoniem vir “humiliation, shame, disgrace”, ensovoorts.

Sinonieme vir “derisory” is as volg: ridiculous, insulting, laughable

“I need all the additional derisory information”

“commiseration about the ambiguous delay” :

“commiseration” is simpatie, as jou span verloor, as iemand doodgaan of so iets; amper soos “condolences”.

Ambiguous beteken “vague, unclear, uncertain”

“Obnoxious inconvenience” - bwahaha

Hy weet natuurlik nie wie Oom Eugene Terreblanche is nie. Die “Lehman brothers”-ding vang hy ook nog steeds nie.

Kelvin was egter hierdie keer regtig onbeskof, en het begin klink asof hy dalk iewers tog snuf in die dik neusgate kry:

Dear Chester Williams
I dont understand what they mean by i should provide the receivers ID to them ever before they can deliver the package to the receiver here that is lie and i can do that because is ilegal if they demand for such if they need any ID they should ask you to provide it because you are the person that made the mistake not the receiver

Since you made a mistake and tell them to correct it all they have to do is to correct it but if they say no tell them to retune it to you so that you will look for another company and send it as for me i can not ask the receiver to give me his ID so that i will send to them because that has not been done any where in this world

If they can not deliver it here in Accra Ghana to the address i send to you let them forget about it. Mean while i will like to know why you don't want to give me your phone number because i have to phone number from you now and each of them any one i called they will tell me is wrong number here is the two number you give to me and no one is your own +27 082 897 1018 another one is this +27 720 756701. what is going on please

Thanks
Mr. Kelvin

Net so gooi hy hom - nie een leesteken nie. Totaal onaanvaarbaar.

Ek is mal oor die “retune” ene - hoe retune mens ‘n ding? Ek tune jou lekka my bra.

Ek kom agter die perd raak agterdogtig. Daar is nou een van twee opsies:

Opsie 1 - hond met stert tussen die bene - speel met sy gevoelens.
Opsie 2 - slaan terug, slaan hard, en kyk of hy retireer

Ek weet nie lekker wat om oor die telefoon ding te doen nie, want die ou klink nou asof hy regtig gebel het! Ek het nie gedink hy sal nie. Ek wonder hoe daardie gesprekke afgegaan het? Wens ek kon dit opneem...

Chester, mos immers ‘n belangrike Lehman brothers vennoot, het egter hierdie keer besluit genoeg is genoeg. Dis tyd dat Chester sy stem dik maak hier:

Dear Kevin,

I am sorry, but I do not make the rules. I have given my commiserations and apologies, what more can I do? I would have thought you would be thankful for this very expensive phone you are receiving, but it seems you are being very selfish and a bit un-cooperative indeed, if I may say so.

The courier company already has all my ID details. But, as I explained incongruously before, the Gambian government has its own rules and cannot be bothered by what I have to say about it.

I have friends in many places all over the world, and I am trying to get some favours from some of them. Maybe I can get this stimulated in a positive way.

But in the meanwhile, I really need an ID document. It can be anyone, as long as it is a legitimate person with a real address in Ghana. They want that as proof of where this is going, because they are suspecting drug smugglers and are encouraging the courier companies to be meticulous in aiding these smugglers.

The other idea I was thinking about was, can we get the Global Courier Service Company to collect the package in Serrekunda, Gambia? They can surely do that for us, can’t they? Don’t you work with them?

I don’t know why you are not getting through to my phone number. This is puzzling me in a mirthful way. Have you dialled the correct codes? I do a lot of travelling internationally, and my calls get relayed to my secretary when I am not available. But she should be putting you in touch with me. It may be that she is not aware of who you are. I will let her know that if a call comes from Gambia she must put it through or take a message. Oh no, I made that mistake again – I mean Ghana of course.

You can also try this number; it is my satellite phone number: +61881631430772. If that does not work try ['n Vriend in SA se selfoonnommer]. If a guy answers, tell him you are looking for Chester Williams, the code word is ZULU. This guy is my personal assistant; he will know where to find me.

All my numbers get relayed to my secretary, which is the problem. I am extremely busy and am not always available for conversations. If they do not let you through, it may be because I am in a meeting, or I am out of the country for a business trip.

Please just leave a message if you cannot find me.

In the meanwhile, if you could get us that ID, I will be able to encourage the speediness of the transaction and delivery to Ghana will happen soon.

Thanks
Regards,
Chester

Woord verduideliking:

Incongruously - inappropriately, absurdly

Mirthful - joyful

Meticulous - thorough (deeglik)

“are encouraging the courier companies to be meticulous in aiding these smugglers.” Bwahaha

Hier vind ons ewe skielik ‘n nuwe wending - Chester is in charge, en Kevin begin te bedel. Ek het gedog ek sou hom nou al afskrik, maar helaas, hy byt nog vas soos ‘n bullterrier.

Dit was lekker om hom bietjie te corner oor Global Couriers - as hulle bestaan het, kon hulle mos die ding ge-courier het in die eerste plek?

Intussen waarsku ek my vriend in die Kaap dat daar dalkies ‘n internasionale oproep gaan kom.

Die ou gaan jou dalk bel - maak asof jy Chester
is en sê vir hom ons soek daai ID.

Maak asof jy in 'n meeting is en nie lank kan praat nie, en laat die lyn vrek as hy moeilike vrae vra

Thanks pel!!

Lees volgende keer verder oor Chester en Kelvin se avonture...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 7

Kelvin het vir ‘n verandering die groot bitmap attachment oopgekry, en dadelik Chester se dom fout raakgesien:

Dear Chester Williams

After receiving the attachment of the airway bill when I open it I find out that you did not send the phones to Ghana you send it to Gambia and I told you early that Ghana is the country I am staying not Gambia the Two country are deferent countries they are not one

All you have to do as soon as you receive this mail is to go back to the FedEx office where you from send the package to Gambia and when you rich there tell them that you made a mistake that you are to send the package to Accra Ghana not Gambia so that they should call the package back from Gambia and send it to Accra Ghana

Here is the address I give to you before where the package should send to but you live it and send the phones to Gambia instead of Accra Ghana. Bellow is the address you will send the phones so that I can receive it [huh?]

Receivers Name: Emeka John Paul
Phone Number; 0249141364
Address: 34 new achimota plazer,
Accra Ghana

Please as soon as you receive this mail print out this information here and take it to the FedEx office and give it to them and tell them that is the address you want to send the package to but you made a mistake and send it to Gambia that they should send it to this address

Thanks and I will call you today

[Kannie wag nie!! Lusty lines is op hulle pos...]

Regards
Mr. Kelvin

Hier moes ek eers weer bietjie dink. Hoe kan ek hierdie ou nog aan sy neusgate rondlei? Wat se twak kan ek nog uitdink?

Ek het bietjie op Google maps gaan kyk waar is Ghana en Gambia nou eintlik. Miskien gee dit my ‘n vars idee:

Gambia en Ghana is altwee daar op die Weskus van Afrika, langs Ivoorkus, Sierra Leone, Nigeria, en al wat ‘n hool is. Die twee lande is omtrent 2000km uitmekaar.

Een van die goed wat ek lees oor “The Gambia” is:

“The Gambia is a source, transit, and destination country for children and women trafficked for the purposes of forced labor and commercial sexual exploitation; women and girls, and to a lesser extent boys, are trafficked for sexual exploitation - in particular to meet the demand for European sex tourism - and for domestic servitude; boys are trafficked within the country for forced begging and street vending; Gambian women and children may be trafficked to Europe through trafficking schemes disguised as migrant smuggling”

Oor Ghana het die CIA die volgende te sê:

“illicit producer of cannabis for the international drug trade; major transit hub for Southwest and Southeast Asian heroin and, to a lesser extent, South American cocaine destined for Europe and the US; widespread crime and money laundering problem, but the lack of a well developed financial infrastructure limits the country's utility as a money laundering center; significant domestic cocaine and cannabis use”

Met ander woorde, hierdie is ‘n klomp sleg genetiese materiaal op ‘n vullishoop in die middel van Afrika.

Net voor die geagte lesers die arme Kevin/Paul/John/Sipho jammer kry, onthou net hy is ‘n sleg uitvaagsel wat sy eie ma sal verkoop vir drankgeld, en haar nog as seksslaaf sal gebruik ook. Die feit dat hy in hierdie scheme betrokke is, en die slinksheid wat hy toon gedurende die hele transaksie, wys hoe sleg hy is. Hy is ‘n ware verteenwoordiger van die “African Renaissance”.

Terug na die storie.

Chester het intussen besef watse vreeslike fout hy begaan het:

Dear Kevin,

My apologies friend, I have made a horrible, horrible mistake. Yes, you have told me lots of times Ghana not Gambia, Ghana is the place, not Gambia. Oh, I feel so stupid now.

I am so sorry, I always confuse the dilapidated countries with each other, they all seem to be the same. I looked on a map, and I see now that at least the mistake is not too bad, it is probably only 2000km apart from each other.

I have been speaking to Fedex about the problem, and they are looking into it.

As soon as I hear from them, I will let you know what happens

My sincere condolences, I made a big mistake.

Please be forgiving and patient.
Regards,
Chester

[Sincere condolences?? dilapidated countries?? - bwahaha.]
Die storie raak net nog beter.

Maar meer daaroor later.

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 6

Kelvin Kamwe is baie opgewonde oor sy splinternuwe Nokia N97 (2 each) wat binnekort afgelewer gaan word in Accra, Ghana:

Dear Chester Williams

I am happy that you have send the phone through FEDEX and we have there office here in Accra Ghana and i will like you to attach the airway bill and send to me so that i can track the phone to know when it will arrive here in Ghana

Please i am very sure that you send the phone to Accra Ghana not Gambia because Gambia is another country while Ghana is another country and i am in Ghana not Gambia i will call you on phone after sending this mail now to you

Thanks and i am waiting for the airway bill which the Fedex company give to you when you deposited the phones to them

Regards
Mr. Kelvin

Oops - skielik is Chester vreeslik besig, en kom glad nie by sy email uit vir twee dae nie. Maar moenie worry nie, Chester het intussen hard gewerk aan die vervalste waybill dokument wat hy een van die dae gaan deurstuur na Kelvin.

Maar vir eers is Chester bietjie besig met sy blow-up doll en sy Pamela Anderson videos, en hy kom nie by sy rekenaar uit nie. Dit maak vir arme ou Kelvin vreeslik bekommerd, en hy doen ‘n ernstige “follow-up”:

Please i am stil waiting for the airway bill so that i can track the phone to know when it will rich here in Ghana

Thanks and God bless
Mr. Kelvin

Rich? Maybe not mate, you’re counting your chickens long before they’ve hatched. Daar is nou sommer ‘n “God bless” ook in, net vir ingeval.

Chester bly steeds vreeslik besig met sy blow-up doll en sy concubine. Dit is mos darem naweek, after all...

Dis nou interessant. Hy sou my bel net na hy die vorige email gestuur het. Ek het gedink Oom Eugene se flerrie gaan dalk lelik wees met hom, en dan verloor ek my lekker besigheids-partner.
Maar gelukkig lyk dit my hy is steeds te suinig om die foon op te tel vir ‘n internasionale oproep. Sien, ek dink al ook soos een van hulle. Dis alles deel van die taktiek. Maak asof jy probeer bel het, en kon jou kamstig nie in die hande kry nie. Miskien moet ek ook daai ene probeer, bietjie later. Maar vir eers het ek ‘n ander strategie vir die dom asdromkop.

Vir eers moes hy 'n bietjie wag. Ek stuur dan later vir hom sy waybill, en dan sal ons uitvind wat "fout gegaan het" met die courier-besigheid.

Ironies dat hy werk vir Global Couriers, wat ‘n pakkie na my toe moet stuur, maar ek kry vir Fedex om ‘n pakkie na hulle toe te stuur, want hulle is so vreeslik vinnig - nes DHL, wat hy aanbeveel het! As hy regtig vir die Couriers gewerk het, sou hulle mos self gereël het om die pakkie af te kom haal?

Eish. die Chester is mos maar bietjie dom, hy dink nie oor die obvious nie.

Dear Kevin,

Sorry, I was very busy this weekend, and I had not had a chance to look at my email yet. I was at the local children's hospital today, showing them some of the videos I bought recently. Have you ever heard of Hugh Hefner? He makes very good movies. I see that you have been looking to find me on the email. Did you call? I did not recieve any calls from Gambia that I know of. My secretary also did not have any messages for me.

By this time you have probably already recieved the phones? Are they working in your country?

Remember to first charge the batteries for 16 hours, otherwise they don't last long. They say that the N97 batteries are made of silicon anusprod carbidium, and are the newest on the market. But don't use them if you haven't charged them for the first 16 hours. After that you can charge and discharge and use them for any of the purpose. That is very important. Otherwise the battery will lose it's unproven ability to keep going for long periods.

So, let me know if you've recieved the phones? I am waiting to hear from you soon.

God bless you and your family

Regards,
Chess

Weereens gooi ek bietjie science fiction tussen-in. Die batterye het sommer anusprod ook as 'n bestanddeel. En die "unproven ability" sal vir seker nie sy aandag trek nie.

Kelvin se volgende email was bietjie meer onbeskof, lyk my die stress loop hoog.

Dear Chester Williams

I need the airway bill which the FEDEX company give to you when you send the phone and i also need your Mobil phone number so that i will call you

Hope you give the FEDEX company this phone number 0249141364 Which they will call when the phone arrive in Ghana here

Thanks and i am waiting to receive the airway bill
Regards
Mr. Kelvin

Ek was nou al lank voorbereid vir die ding. Ek gaan die pakkie laat “wegraak”. Dis nou waar die hele “Gambia” ding inkom. Ek het ‘n pragtige Fedex waybill voorberei - spesiaal vir my vriend.
Die waybill is met MS Paint so bietjie verdof en verduister sodat net sekere dinge sigbaar is.

Ek het dit natuurlik ook in bitmap formaat gelos, sodat die file groter is. (Net so 1.33 MB) Hoe langer hy vat om dit af te laai, hoe beter. Die kans is goed dat hy op ‘n gewone landlyn sit, en ek gaan sy mailbox lekker stadig maak.

Op die waybill staan daar sy volledige adres, met die woord GAMBIA baie groot geskryf op die ding. Ek gaan die ding vir hom stuur, en kyk hoe vinnig hy dit optel. Ek is seker hy gaan dit byna onmiddellik raaksien, hy is mos baie oplettend. Hy het my nog elke keer mooi reggehelp as ek praat van Gambia.

...Ghana not Gambia because Gambia is another country while Ghana is another country and i am in Ghana not Gambia ...

...Another thing please remember that I am not in Gambia I am in Accra Ghana not Gambia because I see where you write Gambia so mind you is Accra Ghana...

Die eerste “waybill” file wat ek na hom toe gestuur het, was egter ‘n “corrupted” file. Eintlik wou ek gesoek het vir ‘n virus, maar netnou neuk ek myself ook op, en ek het in elk geval nie tyd om virusse te gaan soek op die web nie. (Ek het nie so baie tyd soos wat julle almal dink nie...)

Ek spoor toe ‘n MP3 episode van Jakkals en Wolf op, waar Oom Dana Niehaus vir ons vertel van hoe Jakkals en Wolf die heuning gesteel het. Perfek - 4 Meg groot, en met ‘n lewens-les ingesluit.
Hier gaan ons:

Kevin,

My friend, I am so sorry, have you not received the package yet? I would have thought that it would be in Ghana by now?
Anyway, attached is the waybill. I scanned it in. They should be delivering it any moment now, I would think.

May you have wonderful, holy Sunday.
I am on my way to church now. Hope to hear from you later.

Chess

Chester is nou baie heilig.

Hy hoor egter niks van sy vriend in Ghana nie - dalk het sy vriend gedink hy het nie meer vir Chester nodig nie?

Op hierdie stadium van die geveg het ek vermoed dat my vriend snuf in die neus gekry het.

Chester stuur toe maar die ene:

Kevin,

Did you get the package? I am waiting to hear from you. Has it arrived yet?

The waybill is attached, just in case you didn't get my previous mail.

Regards,
Chess

Ek attach natuurlik weer die helse 4Meg file, net vir ingeval.

Kevin reageer toe baie benoud:

Dear Chester Williams

I have not receive ths package and Fedex company has not call the phone number i give to you to give them so that immediately the package arrive they will call so i am still waiting to receive there call as soon as the package arrive here in Ghana

Please i need your direct Mobil phone number so that i will call you and let you know as soon as the package arrive and they call me

Regards
Mr. Kevin

Nou wonder ek wat het hy dan nou gemaak met die telefoonnommer van die AWB wat ek al drie keer vir hom gegee het? Het hy gebel? Hy noem niks daarvan nie. No worries, ek kry 'n "direct mobile" nommer wat hy kan bel. Ene wat hom baie geld gaan kos.

Lusty line ladies - vir daai sickos wat aanmekaar toevallig op my site uitkom omdat jy soek vir kaal meisies, bel die nommer asseblief:

072 075 6701

Dear Kevin,

There must be something wrong with this delivery, it should be there by now. Please check this attached file and see if the address and everything is correct.

Here is my direct mobile number:
+27 72 075 6701

Regards,
Chester

Die file wat ek attach, het so gelyk:

Lees hier verder...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 5

Helaas, my vrind Kevin is nog vaker as wat ek in my wildste drome verwag het. Dit kan wraggies net lekkerder raak van hier af:

Dear Chester Williams

The model you will buy is N97 or N96 if you have the money to buy too I will be very happy one for me as a gift then I will sale one and help you pay and remember after buying it if you go to send it if they ask you why are you sending the phone to Ghana tell them that is your friend there send money to you to help him buy it and send to him

Another thing please remember that I am not in Gambia I am in Accra Ghana not Gambia because I see where you write Gambia so mind you is Accra Ghana. And please if you want to send it go to DHL and send it that will be very fast than any other company and please do not forget to give them this phone number 0249141364 to call as soon as the phone rich here in Accra Ghana

Here is the Address and the receivers name
NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
ACCRA GHANA

Thanks and I am waiting for the airway bill as soon as you buy the phone and send it through DHL

Regards

Mr. Kelvin

Reg so Kevin - ‘n Nokia N97 kos omtrent A$450, wat ‘n aansienlike entjie weg is van die oorspronklike $150 of selfs $180. Nou kan ek maar sommer twee stuur as ek graag sou wou.

Gierigheid lei tot armoede, sê hulle...

Hy het dadelik die Ghambia ding opgetel, wat beteken die adres in Ghana is heel waarskynlik korrek. My vermoede is dat hy eintlik “Emeka John Paul” is, as daar ooit so iemand bestaan. Nie dat dit saak maak nie...

Ek speel toe eers die wag-‘n-bietjie speletjie. Laat hy bietjie sweet, hy lek al sy lippe af vir die foon.

So twee dae later gooi ek hierdie email na hom toe. Persoonlik dink ek hierdie was een van my beste stukkies oorspronklike skryfwerk in 'n lang tyd:

Dear Kevin,

I have tried DHL, but they are extremely expensive. They are really being very evocative with this expedition.[bwahaha - wat de hel beteken dit??]

Anyway, I have been looking around for the phones, and have found something. The supplier said that this phone will have non-inverting trimodiodes, but it will also work fine in Ghana and Brazil. It also has the following:

TFT resistive touchscreen,
16M colors
Erotic ringtones and vibrations
microSD (TransFlash), up to 16GB
HSDPA, 3.6 Mbps
Full 3D mp3 downloads from the Luky Dube album
Touch sensitive voice modulation via bluetooth and z-waves
Wi-Fi 802.11 b/g, UPnP technology
Jacob Zuma showerhead faceplate design - South Africas favourite style at the moment
ARM 11 434 MHz processor
MP5 version of all the songs from the Village people.
Auschwitz© AMF - (arbeit macht frei) special clip-on silencer modulator made in Germany
MP4, 2592x1944 pixels, Carl Zeiss optics, autofocus, LED flash light, video
anti-hijack warning system
tazer with exponential afterburner
Digital compass MP3/WMA/WAV/eAAC+/MP4/M4V player MPEG4/WMV/3gp/Flash video playerTV-outVoice command/dial

Pocket Office (Word, Excel, PowerPoint, PDF viewer)Video and photo editorFlash Lite 3T9

And many more things. I am not much of an expert - I only use my phone to call my business partners at Leehman brothers, but it looks like these phones these days are getting really provocative. I never thought you'd be able to play music and go on the internet with a cell phone? This is truly amazing.

I just hope you would be able to sell the phone over there, what if it doesn't work? Are you sure it works in Gambia?

Anyway, the good news is that the other company was much cheaper, and I have sent it via the waybill with Fedex. I hope you have Fedex over there, because they said so, and they took my package today. It should reach you early Saturday, if not Saturday, it will be Sunday - they go 24hours, 7 days a week.

Anyway, the waybill is ready and I have a copy - if you want a copy of the waybill I can email it to you. Let me know.

So, my friend, once again, thank you for helping. Please let me know as soon as you get the phones, and please let me know when my package will arrive from Global Couriers.

Thanks
Regards,
Chess.

Kyk mooi na daai lys van spesifikasies. Ek het so paar goed gevat van die Nokia website af - regte funksies wat die foon het - en toe gooi ek ‘n klomp science-fiction baie subtiel tussen-in.

Van die goed wat voor-die-hand-liggend moronies moet wees, is onder andere:

Touch sensitive voice modulation via bluetooth and z-waves (wat de hel is z-waves?)
Jacob Zuma showerhead faceplate design - South Africas favourite style at the moment
MP5 version of all the songs from the Village people.

my persoonlike gunsteling:
Auschwitz© AMF - (arbeit macht frei) special clip-on silencer modulator made in Germany

anti-hijack warning system
tazer with exponential afterburner
Nugter weet natuurlik wat “non-inverting trimodiodes” kan wees?

Weereens het ek gedink dit gaan hierdie ou laat wakker skrik, maar hy het my nog ‘n slag verbaas met sy swak algemene kennis.

Ek moet erken ek het verwag dat die “Leehman brothers” ding oor sy kop sal gaan. As hy egter net die moeite gedoen het om te Google, sou hy weet dat Lehman brothers verantwoordelik was vir die grootste gedeelte van die globale resessie wat ons almal nou wêreld-wyd beleef. Wys jou net - dit help om op hoogte te bly van wat in die wêreld aangaan.

Chester verwys natuurlik weereens na Ghambia, net vir die plesier daarvan.

Lees in die volgende aflewering wat volgende gebeur het.

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 4

Die arme dom Chester sukkel vreeslik met die betaling. Hy wil vreeslik graag vir “Mr Kelvin” betaal, maar die banke is moeilik met hom:

Dear mr Kevin,

I have been to the other bank, but I now have another problem. The currency of US dollars is not available from another bank where I have no account. I can only trade in foreign currency if I go to the bank where I have my account. They are very strict these days.

Why is the courier company not with Paypal or with Visa? Then I can pay with my credit card. I have bought my blow-up doll and Pamela Anderson videos with my credit card - it is very quick and easy.

Please talk to the Global Courier company, they must be able to handle credit card payments?

Otherwise you can send me the package so long, it is easier to pay for it from here once I have the invoice.

Thank you.

Please give me a call if you want me to explain over the phone. I think you have my number?

Regards,
Chester.

Weereens het die arme AWB nie ‘n enkele oproep die hele week gehad nie. Hulle kry nie eers meer vir Leon Shuster om hulle te bel op die radio nie.

Ek het gedink my storietjie oor die “blow-up doll” en Pamela Anderson gaan dalk die man se wenkbroue bietjie lig, maar hy is wragtag so dom soos ‘n baksteen.

Ek noem hom sommer “Mr Kevin”, maar die pla hom ook glad nie.

Thanks for your mail and I can see that you are finding it very difficult to send the fee because of the currency involve

Now all you have to do as soon as you receive this mail is to go and use the money in your currency and by a very good Nokia phone which is up to that amount and send it to me through speed post so that when I receive it I can sale it here and help you pay the security keeping fee and your Box will be send to you immediately without delay

I have ask Global Security Company and they told me that they don’t accept any type of credit card so the best thing is for you to use the money and buy a qulity Nokia phone and send so that I will help you sale it and pay the fee

Thanks and I am waiting to here from you as soon as you buy it so that I will give you the address where you will send it to where I can receive it here

Regards Mr. Kelvin

Chester was vreeslik dankbaar vir die vriendelike hulp. Die man se entrepreneurskap ken geen einde nie. Ek wonder hoe lank het hy aan die ene beplan? Hoe jammer dat so ‘n briljante brein nou heeltyd gemors moet word op sulke alledaagse scams? Die man kan vir Zuma ore aansit.

“Chester” is natuurlik mos ook so dom soos ‘n klip, en val dadelik vir “Mr Kevin” se goeie idee.

Chester is ‘n dankbare siel, tog te bly dat daar nog goeie mense in die wêreld is wat hom wil help.

Voeg daar by dat Chester nou nog nie weet wat in sy oorspronklike pakkie is nie, klink die idee nogal na goeie finansiële logika.

Kevin,

Thank you for all this hard work you're doing for me. These days you don't always find people who will help easily.

I have nearly bought the Nokia, but then I realised I need to make sure the model is the type that will work in Ghambia. The ones we have here may be different types, as here we have a 3G network with ultra high bandwidth and our phones have Malgoric text with multiplexing diodes.

What type of Nokia will you be able to sell in Ghambia? And which type will sell for the equivalent of around $180? (I added another $30 to the $150, so that it will pay you for your hard work) [dis nice van my nê]

Let me know quickly please, I have some other appointments with my concubine and I need to be diligent in this matter.

Regards,
Chess

Sien, hier raak ek nou al hoe meer vrymoedig met die belaglike verwysings tussen-in. Eerstens verwys ek na sy land as Ghambia - ek wil kyk of hy dit agterkom, en dit gaan later handig te pas kom. (Jy sal later sien - dis klassiek!)

Ek het eerlikwaar gedink ek gaan die ou nou hier verloor.

“Malgoric text and mutiplexing diodes” - ek bedoel, hoe dom moet jy wees om sulke twak te glo? Het hy nog nooit Google gebruik nie?

Die “concubine” gedeelte was natuurlik die kersie op die koek, en ek het regtig gedink ek gaan vir Mr Kevin en die kerk verloor na daai opmerking.

Ek begin verwys nou na myself as “Chess” - ons is mos groot buddies.

Lees later wat Kevin se reaksie was op al hierdie belaglikhede...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 3

Chester se vorige briefie aan Kelvin was mos die ene:

I don't know what western union transfer is all about. How do I pay the money?

Are these Ghana Dollars?

Regards,
Chester

Kelvin was baie vinnig met sy terugvoer, en het vir Chester mooi reggehelp met sy dom vrae:

What i mean by western union money transfer is the means you will send the money in the Bank just go to Bank and tell them you want to send money to Ghana through western union and the dollar i mean is United State of America dollar and bellow is the information the will ask you to provide before the can send the money for you

NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
STATE: ACCRA
COUNTRY: GHANA
TEXT QUESTION: WHAT FOR?
ANSWER: DELIVERY

Thanks and i am waiting to here from you
Mr. Kelvin Kwame

Uiteindelik. Bietjie meer professionaliteit. Klein letters. Maar nou is daar een lang paragraaf met een sin en geen leestekens nie. Ek voel nou al baie beter oor die hele ding. Dit moet ‘n ernstige, eerlike ou wees hierdie.

[By the way, vir die wat dit nie opgelet het nie - dit moet wees “I am waiting to hear from you" - nie here nie...] Ek wil nie eers ingaan op die res van die aaklige spelfoute nie, kyk hoeveel jy self kan ontdek.

Chester was natuurlik baie bly oor die goeie raad, en het dadelik bank toe gegaan om die geld oor te plaas:

Hi Kelvin,

Ive been to the bank, but they wanted more information from me.

They say delivery - delivery of what? I cannot just say delivery.

They also want passport number or ID document of the reciever of the funds, John Paul Emeka

What do I do now? The bank is not very understanding. It also costs me additional fees of $22.50 to use Union bank transfer.

Maybe Paypal is better to use? Or I can mail you a cheque?

Maybe you can give me a call at +27 082 897 1018

Thank you
Regards,
Chester

Ongelukkig het Oom Eugene steeds geen oproep ontvang nie. Hoe verbaas is ek nou...

Kelvin het teruggekom met die volgende briljante voorstel:

Dear Chester

Thanks for your mail to me and i was very surprise for the question you said that bank are asking you before the can send the money for you

All i want you to do as soon as you receive this mail is to take the money and go to another bank with this information bellow

NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
STATE: ACCRA
COUNTRY: GHANA
QUESTION ; GOD
ANSWER; LORD

Go to another Bank with this information and if the ask you tell them you are sending it to a Church do not tell them what you are sending the money for so that they will not try to find out what you are receiving

Thanks and i am waiting to for the payment information as soon as you send the money

Regards
Mr. Kelvin

Die perd het nou skielik baie geestelik geraak - die “church”, “God” en “Lord” is nou almal ook ingesleep in die ding in. Ek wag net vir arme Mother Mary, Maria Magdalena en Moses om ook in die ding betrokke te raak.

Ou Chester doen solank die katolieke kruis-ding hier voor sy bors, so heilig voel hy nou.

Man, dis ‘n slim boytjie die. Ek is seker hy het vir Boel Dreyer of so iemand as onderwyser op skool gehad. Dis blink idees wat hy hier kry, dit herinner my aan sekere van my permanently disadvantaged ex-kollegas daar in Bobbejania, wat altyd sulke goeie planne gemaak het om die maatskappy se finansies reg te ruk.

(Hoeveel integriteit bou jy nou op met ‘n vreemdeling as jy vir hom sê om die kerk en die Lord se naam te misbruik vir eie gewin?)

Chester vat sommer ‘n diep sluk van die bottel heilige water wat hier langs hom staan, en hy kry weer moed vir die pad vorentoe.

Die arme dom Chester sukkel vreeslik met die betaling. Hy wil vreeslik graag vir “Mr Kelvin” betaal, maar die banke is moeilik met hom.

Lees volgende keer verder oor wat Chester gedoen het...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 2

Ek het julle mos vertel van my vriend in Ghana. Ons twee het ‘n nou paadjie saamgeloop, en voel soos ware broers - brathas of Africa.

Ons verhaaltjie het begin met ‘n email wat ek uit die bloute ontvang het. Die email het my laat weet dat ek een of ander “grand prize” gewen het, en dat ek moet laat weet of ek nog die ding wil hê. Ek (ene chester williams, alhoewel die oorspronkilke email nooit na Chester ge-adresseer was nie) het dadelik aangedui dat ek intens belangstel.

My nuwe vriend het die volgende email na my gestuur:

Global Courier Service Company
(Federal Government of Ghana Approved Diplomatic Courier Co.)
Corporate Office: Plot 62, D13 Manetville East Airport, Accra Ghana.
Tel: +233 249 141364.

*AIR FREIGHT *OCEAN CARGO *CARGO MOVEMENT*REPACKAGING
*CONTAINERIZATION *WAREHOUSING *CONSOLIDATION
__________________________________________________

ATTN; Chester Williams

WE WISH TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE HAVE YOUR BOX IN OUR CUSTODY.OUR DIPLOMAT AGENT IN CHARGE OF THE NEXT DELIVERY TASK WILL BE LEAVING GHANA. YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO SEND THE FOLLOWING REQUIREMENT BEFORE YOUR PARCEL CAN BE INCLUDED IN THE NEXT BERGE OF DIPLOMATIC DELIVERY THAT WILL BE LEAVING, ALSO I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE SECURITY KEEPING FEES BEFORE OUR DIPLOMATIC AGENT CAN CARRY ON WITH YOUR BOX TO YOUR ADDRESS.

BELOW ARE THE REQUIREMENT:
SECURITY KEEPING FEE: $150.00TOTAL: $150.00
BEAR IT IN MIND THAT WITHOUT OUR SECURITY KEEPING FEE YOUR BOX WILL NOT BE DELIVERED AS SCHEDULED.

YOU CAN SEND THE ABOVE MENTIONED CHARGES VIA WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER WITH THE NAME OF OUR PROTOCAL OFFICER BELOW;

NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
STATE: ACCRA
COUNTRY: GHANA
TEXT QUESTION: WHAT FOR?
ANSWER: DELIVERY.

WE WAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE

YOURS FAITHFULLY,

Mr. Kelvin Kwame
+233 249 142364
Global Courier Service Company

1. YOUR FULL NAME:
Chester williams [dis nou wat ek hier invul]

2.YOUR HOME OR COMPANY ADDRESS:
P.O. Box 274, Ventersdorp, 2710 [die AWB het nog nooit so baie pos uit Ghana gekry nie...]

3. YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER:
+27 082 897 1018 [Oom Eugene se hot sekretaresse antwoord hopelik die nommer]

Die feit dat die ou professioneel genoeg is om heeltyd HOOFLETTERS dwarsdeur sy paragrawe te gebruik, wys net hoe bitter onnosel hierdie mense is. Hy dink seker hoofletters gaan die ding meer authentic laat lyk?

Maar glo my, hulle is steeds slim genoeg om idiote daar buite te vang met ‘n slap riem. (Meestal seker maar mense wat nie verstaan hoe slinks Sipho se kop kan werk nie.)

Ek het die naam en nommer baie sorgvuldig en eerlik ingevul, en toe hierdie email aangestuur na Kelvin:

I don't know what western union transfer is all about. How do I pay the money? Are these Ghana Dollars?

Regards,
chester

Heh-heh, ek weet nie watter geld-eenheid die idiote daar in Ghana gebruik nie, maar ek speel bietjie met sy klein brein. Obviously gaan 150 ghana dollas baie minder werd wees as die immergewilde greenback.

Ek het intussen al baie opgelees oor hierdie 419-scammers. Daar is websites vol inligting oor hierdie skelm werfetters. Een ding wat almal van hulle doen, is om Western Union Money Transfer te gebruik. Blykbaar kan jy geld internasionaal oorplaas via Western union, maar dis moeilik om die ou aan die ander kant weer op te spoor as jy eers jou geld na hom toe gestuur het. Kredietkaarte en Paypal is bietjie meer “secure”, en die scammertjies bly weg van hulle af.

Ek het dadelik gemaak asof ek nog nooit van hierdie Western Union ding gehoor het nie.

Lees volgende keer verder oor hoe ek en my bratha saam besigheid gedoen het, en hoe ons unieke verhouding - oor die kleur-en-landsgrense heen - gevorder het tot een van wedersydse vertroue, eenheid en 'n algemene toestand van vrede en harmonie.