Politics 101

I’ve just realised what the difference is between politics the way I used to know it, and Australian politics – it’s quite simple, really.

But first, let’s go back a few years and use a history lesson to explain what I mean.

In South Africa, during the evil apartheid years when whites ruled with western efficiency and an iron fist, there was a semi-democratic system.  All white people were allowed to vote.  There were a lot of options to vote for: some parties were conservative, some were ultra-conservative, and then there were the hyper-ultra-rightwing conservatives.  Then there also were a few left-wing do-gooders and the communists, who were banned from participating in politics.

The National Party won every election until white rule ended in 1994. 

Then came the new system – the communists were unbanned, the lefties were considered cool, and the conservatives were considered to be from an ancient genetic pool of retards.

The National Party realised it had a bad name now, and they changed their name to the “New National Party”.  This, of course, made no difference in the minds of people as to who they were and what they stood for, and they never gained a real foothold in the new political scene. I don’t think they even exist anymore.

To get back to the point: When the election came on, everyone knew exactly what each party stood for.  In order to determine your choice, you looked at a party’s policies and made a decision who to vote for, based on their leaders, policies and viewpoints on social and financial matters.  (And, of course, based on your ethnic background.)

In modern-day Australia, however, the political party decides what it stands for based on last week’s opinion polls.  It’s nearly impossible to distinguish the difference between the two main parties, as they both try to adapt to what is accepted as “popular opinion” of the day.  The one who gets this wrong loses the election.  As simple as that.

The previous Prime Minister was bounced from his job due to the Labor party sliding in the opinion polls.  Imagine that.  Kevin Rudd wasn’t caught with his pants down or his hand in the till, or molesting children or watching porn on the PM’s laptop.  He was just not popular enough anymore.  So they got rid of him and appointed a redheaded woman in his place in order to win over the female vote.  (Ironically, Rudd was recorded as the most popular PM in Australian history just a year before this happened.)

This is really confusing to dumb immigrants, like me.  I always thought political parties stood for something they believe in, and then try to market themselves based on those beliefs.  They convince people that what they stand for is what people need, and people base their votes on that?

The only party that clearly stands for something in Australia is the Greens, but they’re a bunch of nutters who hug trees and would rather spend money saving whales than helping people.  They honestly believe that climate change is our biggest problem.

I mean, it’s one thing to stand for something, but that something still has to make sense, doesn’t it?

One would wonder what would happen if the opinion polls were being rigged by powerful people who have their own agendas?  If you ask me, it’s  much easier to rig an opinion poll than to rig an election.

Die moderne boer en die guvvamunt

Ek loop vandag ‘n interessante ou raak. Hy is ‘n boer, maar nie met ‘n hoofletter nie - hy’s sommer ‘n ou aussie boer, jy weet, daais wat Ingils praat met so gevaarlike draai van ‘n aksent, met ‘n hardgebrande vel en blou oge wat so loer onder sy hoed uit.

Hy het ‘n lieflike stukkie grond net hier buite Perth, naby Victoria dam. Hy het ‘n kweekhuis besigheid - hy verkoop rose en so aan. Op die grond het hy ook ‘n kafee/coffee shop.

Ek en my Chinese Singaporese kollega het bietjie gaan koffie drink by die perd se plek, en toe deur sy tuine geloop. Die perd gesels vreeslik lekker.

Hy vertel my die guvvamunt weet niks van “sustainability” af nie. Alles op sy stuk grond word ge-recycle, insluitende die water. Hy worry nie oor chloor in die water of filters nie, hy drink hom sommer net so. As die sprinklers se water uitloop in die dammetjie, dan word hy sommer weer gedrink - die natuur het sy eie filter, vertel hy my. Al die jare drink hulle daai water net so reg uit die dam, en nog nooit ‘n pes of siekte gehad nie. Al sy plante word gesprei met goeters, maar niks wat gevaarlik dodelik is of die omgewing besoedel nie.  Die manne van Health Services wou hom al toemaak, maar hy laat toets sy water elke maand en hulle kon nog nooit goggas kry nie.

Sien, die perd het al dertig jaar terug begin besef dat die klimaat besig is om te verander, en het toe al begin om “sustainable” te begin boer. Hy het nie gesit en wag vir die guvvamunt om iets te doen nie. Hy vertel my hoe werk guvvamunt:

Al die dom-onnosel mense kry die hoge poste in die regering. Dis die ouens wat te dom was om hulle eie besigheid te begin, of te harregat was om vir ‘n baas te werk. Die perde met min breins wat ook nie met hulle hande kan of wil werk nie, dis nou hulle wat daai hoge regeringsposte vul. Die stupid mense, seg hy vir my.

Die hele storie begin vir my baie bekend klink.

Hy vertel my die manne praat met verkeerde raadgewers daar in die boonste rakke. Hulle moet afkom grond toe en praat met die mense wat die werk doen. Mense soos hy, wat sy hele besigheid self aan die gang hou.

Daar werk so dik vriendelike antie vir hom op die erf. Sy het hoeka vir my japsnees-kollega die verkeerde raad gegee, en die man vertel my toe hoe moeilik dit is om vroumense in die hande te kry wat breins het. Vir die salaris wat hy kan betaal, moet hy maar sukkel met die ou merrie.

Man, ek lag lekker vir die ou.

Sien, ‘n Aussie boer is in baie opsigte nes ‘n Afrikaner boer. Hulle is harde mense, want hulle werk hard, en hulle is selfstandig. Hulle is net nie so vreeslik moerig en kwaad vir die wêreld soos meeste Boere nie. En hulle is baie vinnig om moderne beginsels toe te pas. Die man het email en websites en ek wonder of hy nie dalk twitter en tweet ook as hy tyd kry nie.  En hy weet wat die woord sustainable beteken.

Ons het natuurlik nou so rooikop merrie wat die land regeer - hy wil nie te veel praat daaroor nie. Sy idees oor vroumense dateer nog so bietjie terug na “die goeie ou dae”. 

Die national erections is mos nou volstoom aan die gang hierso, en al wat leef en beef gons oor die affere.  Dis ‘n geblog, getwitter en getweet en wraggies nog “baby-kissing” in die openbaar ook - ‘n vieslike ou storie sê ek jou.

Tony Abbot loop rond in sy budgie smugglers en sy opponent - die rooikop - verveel almal met haar lang tranerige speeches. Almal bid net dat sy nooit met ‘n bikini in die openbaar sal rondwals nie - haar lyf lyk soos ‘n bowling pin met ‘n rooi pruik op.

Terloops - as jy wonder wat “budgie smugglers” is - dis die algemene Aussie beskrywing vir Speedos.

Ek moet nog gewoond raak aan die idee van ‘n verkiesing waar dit gaan oor “policies”.  Die verkiesings wat ek sover beleef het in my lewe, was gewoonlik oor watter party die meeste vals beloftes kan maak sonder dat hulle een enkele beleid op die tafel hoef te sit.  “Free education and freedom for all”, en sulke niksseggende goed is wat ek aan gewoond is.

Dit laat my dink aan die comrade wat saam met my gewerk het wat my die storie vertel het: 

Hy was daar in Ohakati tydens ‘n Swapo party rally.  Almal gil lekker saam aan die goeie slagspreuke.  Hy luister na die ou langs hom.  Hulle almal gil eintlik “Education for all”, maar die ou langs hom toitoi baie lekker en gil ewe plesierig uit volle bors: “Education fokkol, education fokkol!!!!”

Dis ‘n ware storie daai.

Erections, executions and other democratic phrases

If you’re not from Namibia, you’d probably wonder why I’m mixing these words together.  What do erections have in common with democracy, except for Bill Clinton?

In Namibia a common tendency for indigenous people is to mix up their “l”s with their “r”s.  So it is quite common to hear a news reporter referring to “national erections”, when actually meaning “national elections”.

Anyway, Down Under we had some interesting political developments recently.  A few weeks ago, our Prime Minister was unceremoniously politically assassinated by his own Labor Party.  Apparently he is travelling the world to look for a new job, preferably one where people like to listen to long boring spin talk.

Now a redhead with a horrible Aussie strine accent has taken over.  It was really not fun listening to Kevin Rudd lecturing to the masses, but this lady is a step in the wrong direction if you ask me.  I just can’t get myself to listen to her squeaky narratives.

The redhead has now called a national erection, and on 21 August all “Strayljuhns will be cahstin them votes”.

Experience “New millennium Western democracy” in it’s finest form:  two parties logging it out in the media - twittering, tweeting, blogging and facebooking, crapping and belching anywhere and everywhere.  Not even your own homepage is sacred anymore.  I’ve never seen anything like it. 

I’m used to electioneering Namibian style, where posters hang on telephone poles, and Kosie Pretorius stuffs people’s mailboxes with his party’s pamphlets.  The NBC TV channel would give each party a few minutes on air and they would compete to see who could offer the most pathetic-looking person to beg on their behalf.  Normally a previously disadvantaged deaf-mute albino female with only one leg and no teeth is a good spokes-person for your party, as it shows how much you value their contribution to society.  The more pathetic your representative is, the better party you are.  Apparently.

Of course the ruling party in Namibia always wins with a 75% majority, so why would you tweet, twitter and belch anyway?

But Down Under they do it with style.  Technology is used to reach the dumbfounded masses.  Everyone tweets, twitters and blogs like a madman.  Or woman.

The opposition is lead by a guy called Tony Abbot – a real straight-shooter who constantly needs to explain himself after he mouthed off some politically incorrect comments to the media, while wearing budgie smugglers.  His opponent is a godless unmarried childless redheaded welsh-born lady who just knifed her predecessor in the back while he was still PM.

You can just imagine what this contest looks like in the media.  The comments and counter-comments border on slander and outright insults on a daily basis.  Great stuff!

I love democracy.

The redhead stated a few weeks ago that she did not have any intention of taking over from old Kev.  She said the following, among other things:

May 18 "There's more chance of me becoming the full-forward for the Dogs (Western Bulldogs AFL team) than there is any chance of a change in the Labor Party."

May 18 "I know we’ll be welcoming Jessica [Watson] back to Sydney this weekend after her round the world epic feat. I tell you, I think there’s more chance of me going round the world sailing solo a dozen times than this chatter in the media becoming anything more than that."

If "Steven Spielberg rang me from Hollywood and asked me to star opposite Brad Pitt in a movie, would I do it? Well, I'd be a little bit tempted but you know what, I don't reckon Steven Spielberg is going to give me a call."

May 26 "If I exit politics able to look at the scoreboard and say this is what I did as minister for education, this is what I did as minister for workplace relations, that's enough for me. That's beyond the wildest expectations I had for myself when I started this journey."

June 10 "You may as well ask me am I anticipating a trip to Mars."

June 18 "Look, I know there's been all this breathless media speculation about leadership questions. There's not speculation in my mind."

She became PM on 24 June…