Thursday, May 27, 2010

Dis ‘n lekker lewe

Dit reën so lekker ou winter-reëntjie hier. Gisteraand het dit heelnag gereën, en vanoggend toe ek uitgaan om my koerant buite te gaan optel, toe reën dit nog steeds. Na ‘n lang droeë somer is dit ‘n welkome verandering. Dis nou koud in die nag, en die warm bed klou baie vriendelik aan my broekspype as ek probeer om weg te kom van hom af in die oggende.

By die kantoor het ek so lekker hokkie in die hoek reg by die groot venster. As dit so reën buite, dan is dit lekker om te sit en kyk hoe ander mense met sambrele in die reën sukkel, terwyl ek met ‘n lekker koppie warm koffie sit en loer vir hulle van daar bo af. My vorige hokkie was in die middel van die vloer, en was baie vaal. Ek moet kan sien wat buite aangaan - die nuwe sitplek van my maak my hart bly.

Deesdae is dit al donker as ek by die huis aankom. Hulle het hier so ‘n drie-jaar lange toets-lopie gedoen met sogenaamde “daylight savings”, en gelukkig het die mense in die referendum daarteen gestem. Die plein feite is maar net dat die dag baie korter is in die winter as in die somer, en om die somerdae langer te probeer maak, is sinneloos. Daar is meer as genoeg son in WA, glo my.

As dit so reën moet jy maar geduldig wees - alles op die pad gebeur stadiger. Nadat ek die “Freeway” bemeester het in die nat weer, daag ek uiteindelik by die huis op. Die asdrom staan nog so oop soos wat die asdromlorrie hom gelos het - hy is vol water. Ek swoeg eers bietjie om hom terug te sit op sy rusplekkie. Sy magie is leeg - vir die oomblik.

Die twee groot rump steaks lê en wag nog in die yskas, en ek steek die barbie aan die brand. (Dis nou nie ‘n barbie doll waarvan ek praat nie, dis ‘n “barbeque”.) Eers word daar bietjie uie gebraai, en dan word die twee rumps on-seremonieel op ‘n vuurwarm plaat gegooi. So 2 minute aan elke kant, en af is hulle.

Lekker sappige, sagte stukke beesvleis wat ‘n mens sommer trane in jou oë gee.

Ons almal sit saam om die tafel en eet. Ons maak ‘n punt daarvan om altyd ons aandetes saam te eet. Die kos is lekker, en klein Anica praat aanmekaar, soos altyd.

Buite val die sagte reëntjie terwyl ons lekker eet. More het ek die dag af - deel van my nine day fortnight voordeel by die werk. Ek werk elke twee weke nege dae met ‘n halfuur wat ek ekstra inwerk elke dag, en kry dan die tiende dag af. Elke tweede Vrydag is ‘n welverdiende rusdaggie vir my.

Dis ‘n lekker ou lewe. Ek voel sommer lus om ‘n vuurtjie aan te steek, so lekker kry ek nou.

IMG_3115

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Wat is ‘n biltongboer?

Ek moet eers verduidelik wat ek nou eintlik bedoel met die woord “Biltongboer”. Sien, hier is wragtag mense wat al jare lank my stories lees, en steeds nie besef dat ek in suidwes grootgeword het nie. Hulle weet ook nie eens dat suidwes ‘n provinsie van Suid Afrika was destyds nie.  Waar hulle was toe dit alles gebeur het, weet nugter alleen.  Die mense weet minder van ons geskiedenis as wat hierdie Aussies weet – en glo my, die Aussies het nie ‘n vae clue van enige wêreld-geskiedenis nie.

Ek weet nie hoeveel aandag sulke slaapwandelende mense gee as hulle lees nie, maar kom ek verduidelik gou die term:

Die woord Biltongboer is nie iets wat iemand gebruik omdat hy van biltong hou nie. Dis ook nie ‘n term vir iemand wat biltong plant, oes en in Ziploc sakkies sit nie. Vir die dom stadsjapies wat nie weet nie - jy kan eintlik nie regtig boer met biltong nie. Sien, die goed is nie soos mielies wat jy plant en saai en natgooi en oes en in silos bymekaar gooi nie. Biltong is gedroogde vleis wat jy maak na jy ‘n hond, kat, bees, kangaroo of gemsbok geslag het. Om ‘n springbok te slag, beteken jy moet eers die ding gaan soek, hom tussen die oë skiet, sy keel afsny en dan afslag. En dan begin jy eers met die biltong.

Sien, mens oes nie kudu biltong van die lande af nie. Net sodat julle weet.

Nou wat is ‘n Biltongboer dan nou, vra jy? ‘n Biltongboer is nie ‘n boer nie, ook nie noodwendig ‘n Boer met ‘n hoofletter nie. Maar jy sal sien ek spel Biltongboer met ‘n hoofletter B.

‘n Biltongboer is ‘n Afrikaans-sprekende inwoner van suidwes, of Namibia soos hy vandag genoem word. Die term word al jare lank gebruik, en in die ou dae was die suidwes rugby span bekend as die suidwes Biltongboere. Daar was selfs ‘n liedjie gewees, “Suidwes Biltongboere byt net vas...” Hulle het die liedjie gereeld daar op Vra-Is-Vry op die Afrikaanse diens van die SWAUK gespeel:

 

Koor:

Suidwes biltongboere byt net vas
Suidwes gaan julle doppie klink vandag
Laat die bal loop in die agterlyn
Dan is dit net (sukses) ‘n wendrie vir Suidwes

 

Die Suidwesspan is gereed
Om hul status te gaan meet
‘n Systap hier en daar
Dit maak die skare mal

Kyk nou na die span
‘n wenspan deur en deur
Met Doug Jeffrey en Andre Stoop
Wat die skare so laat raas

Koor:
Hoera! Skree Suidwes
Die telling is 50 - 6
En niemand kan nou meer
Die biltongboere keer.

Die biltongboer is ‘n bedreigde spesie, daar is nie meer veel van ons oor nie.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Dawid en Goliat

Toe ons destyds hier aangeland het in Perth, het ek vir my vrou ‘n sogenaamde Skype phone gekoop op die “3 Mobile” netwerk. Dis ‘n gewone selfoon, maar jy kan met hom op Skype gaan ook. Die ding het lekker gewerk, maar ten spyte van al ons moeite het min mense in Aapland die effort ingesit om ons te kontak op Skype.

Die foon self is nie van die beste nie, en ek besluit toe om my vrou se foon op te gradeer - na 18 maande se harde misbruik. Die Skype foon was op ‘n prepaid nommer, en ek kon net eenvoudig ophou recharge en die ding doodmaak.

Ek sien toe dat ek vir presies dieselfde bedrag elke maand, $29, ‘n splinternuwe foon kan kry en dieselfde hoeveelheid oproepe per maand. Die foon het ‘n wireless konneksie, dus kan hy steeds via my broadband wireless network by die huis op Skype gaan.

Ek doen toe die deal, en teken myself vas vir die $29 maandelikse kontrak.

Saam met die kontrak kom toe ook ‘n fancy klein broadband stokkie met 1G se data wat ek maandeliks kan aflaai. Ek het dit egter nog nooit gebruik nie, want ek het ‘n bitter vinnige ADSL2+ lyn by die huis met ‘n wireless network, so wat moet ek nou maak met die ding?

Ek het die hele affêre sommer so oor die internet gedoen. ‘n Paar dae later word die boks voor my huis se deur afgelaai. Hierso laai die posman sommer die selfoon in ‘n boks by jou voordeur af as jy nie daar is nie - en niemand vermoor hom eens nie?

Ek maak die boks oop, en ek sien toe daar is nog bokse binne-in die boks. Die ene het die foon in, en die ander ene het die broadband afferinkie in. En daar lê twee SIM kaarte - een vir die broadband ding en een vir die foon. Ek gryp ene en sit hom in die foon, en alles werk te pragtig.

Ek bel toe vir customer care om te hoor of ek die ou prepaid nommer kan hou. Neee-eee, sê die antie wat na ‘n halfuur se musiek die foon antwoord, dis totentaal onmoontlik en sal nooit gedoen kan word nie. Deksels, nou is ek kwaad man. As ek ‘n ander nommer by ‘n ander netwerk gehad het, dan was hulle deur die wet verplig om my nommer oor te vat. Maar nou was ek klaar op hulle netwerk, nou druk hulle my ‘n pit.

Dit was die eerste ding wat my agterent gekrap het. En jy krap nie ‘n Biltongboer se agterent meer as een keer nie.

Ek kry toe ook ewe later my eerste rekening. Ingesluit in die kostes is die aflewering - dit het ek verwag. Die rekening lyk heel reg, en ek wil net op my internet banking spring toe ek sien die staat sê

Thanks for paying by Direct Debit.

Please ensure there are enough funds in your account to avoid dishonour and late payment fees.

Dit klink billik. Ek het die foon oor die internet met my kredietkaart betaal, dus het hulle mos klaar al my besonderhede. Reg so, I love it when a plan comes together.

Hier teen die einde van die tweede maand toe kla my vrou dat haar foon nie wil werk nie. Ek dog toe daar is maar net ‘n netwerk probleem of so iets.

En toe kom die volgende rekening.

Daar is die gewone $29 vir die maand - dis reg. Maar daar is ook die volgende:

  • Balance brought forward - $36.56 (dis nou die vorige maand se $29 plus die afleweringsfooie.)
  • Other charges and credits $10.

Total account $141.35

Ek hoef nou seker nie uit te spel hoe beneuk hierdie Biltongboer toe raak nie.

Ek beloer die rekening, en ek sien die “Other charges” is ‘n penalty for late payment.

Volgens hulle het ek nie my vorige rekening betaal nie. Maar hulle het dan gesê hulle gooi dit op my rekening, direct debit nogal?

Ek spring daar op die lyn, maar ek kry weer net Customer Care se mooi liedjies wat speel. Ek raak kwaad, die stem vertel my hulle gaan die gesprek “record for training purposes”, maar daar was nog nie ‘n gesprek nie, en al training wat hulle gaan kry is Afrikaanse vloekwoorde!

Ek besluit toe om weer op die internet te spring. Ek kry daar ‘n bladsy en ek vul my hele pedigree daar in. Wie is ek, wat is my ma se gunsteling kos, en wat is my buurman se hond se naam. Alles word sorgvuldig ingevul, en ek druk enter.

Ek kry amper onmiddellik ‘n email terug wat sê

Thank you for your email. We appreciate you taking the time to write to us. Due to the delayed nature of a written response you may experience some delay in responding to your enquiry. We would love to help you with your enquiry as soon as possible. If your enquiry is urgent, please contact 3 Care on 13 33 20

Man, ek voel so opgewonde ek kan ‘n slang oopbek soen.

Dis daai selle blerrie nommer wat ek netnou gesit en luister het. Wat help dit?

3 het hierdie fancy sisteem waar jy kan in-log en jou rekening beloer. Ek log daar in, en beloer die affêre. Ek sien sommer vinnig waar die fout lê. Een of ander aap het my kredietkaartnommer 1111111111111111 gemaak. Om een of ander rede is die betaling geweier. Dit vat nou nie ‘n rocket scientist om die ding uit te figure nie, en ek maak solank maar die nommer reg vir hulle.

Maar nou is ek bang die 141 dollas gaan op my kaart af - dis mos nou nie reg nie?

Ek wag in spanning vir die email.

Ek kry toe ‘n dag later ‘n reply:

Thank you for your email regarding your invoice, it does seem to be a consern.

On reviewing your account, we see that the direct debit was declined due to a system glitch. And we have reversed the $10 late payment fee on your account.

Our records also indicate that you have been using one USIM for mobile broadband as well as to make calls, which has caused a high bill.

We see that you have signed up for the 3CapPlus$29 24m($29min-35cFF) plan which means you have a broadband and a voice service,and each service(voice and broadband) has to used with its respected USIM.

Regarding your current invoice number 733607390,we wil apply a credit of $102.35(within 24 hrs) as a goodwill gesture rerating your invoice.

Mentioned below are the USIM details to be used with its respective mobile numbers.

Mobile number

04xxxxxxx1 (Voice service)

04xxxxxxx2 (mobile broadband service).

As mentioned above we request you to please use the correct USIM in the mobile and the modem to avoid any extra charges.

If we can assist you further, please contact us again via email or call 3 Care on 13 33 20. When replying to this email, please ensure you include your 3 mobile number and four-digit account PIN.

Jong, nou is ek sommer suur. Volgens hierdie perd het ek nou die twee SIM kaarte verkeerd gebruik, ek moes die ander ene in die foon gesit het. Maar intussen het 2 maande al verloop, en my vrou moes klaar vir almal laat weet wat haar nuwe nommer nou is. Dit op sigself is ‘n missie, want ons ken mense in Australië, Suid Afrika en Namibië, en dis geen grap om seker te maak almal het die nuwe nommer nie.

Ek het nog nie eens die simpel broadband ding uit sy boks uit gehaal nie, hoe de hel is dit nou dat ek verkeerde kaart kon gebruik het?

Ek skryf toe weer terug na die vriendelike Customer Care centre, na ek weer na ‘n lang liedjie geluister het en nie kan deurkom na ‘n regte mens toe nie.

Ek verduidelik toe dat hulle die nommers verkeerd-om het, dis andersom, en hulle moet hulle system regkry.

Hulle laat weet my toe weer dat volgens hulle is die nommers so-en-so, en ek beter my kaarte omruil.

Intussen kom die volgende rekening, met die verkeerde geld afgetrek, maar sommer weer $26.75 vir kamstige “excess broadband usage”. Nou is ek al verby kwaad - die rook trek by my ore uit man.

Gelukkig woon ek mos nou hier in die Eerste wêreld, waar die consumer baie goed beskerm word. As dit in Bobbejania was, kon ek teen die tyd al vergeet het nadat ek met Sipholozi gesukkel het en my saak gestel het - jy sal maar net moet inval by die status quo. Maar nie hier doer Onner nie, mate.

Ek stuur vir hulle ‘n dreigbrief waarin ek sê ek praat nou met die CCC en al wat ‘n ombudsman en ding is - ek ken my regte ou maat. Die CCC is die Crime Corruption Committee; of so iets - hulle kla sommer minsters aan wat te veel kleingeld uit die laai uit wegdra, hulle is nie bang vir niemand nie.

Ek gaan klim weer op Google en ek kry die regte antwoord. Hulle noem dit die Telecom Industry Ombudsman. Hierdie perde is net wat ek soek. Hulle is daar om die gepeupel soos ek te help teen hierdie groot ryk telecom companies. Man, ek hou hiervan. Dawid en Goliat was nogal altyd een van my favourite stories.

Ek spring daar op ‘n screen en vul weer my hele pedigree in. Hoeveel tande het ek , hoeveel pond baba was ek, watse kleur neushare het ek - die hele toetie. Die ding is ernstig, jy moenie hier kom speel nie, hulle laat jou allerhande ede en beloftes aflê wat vir niks skrik nie.

Uiteindelik is ek klaar met die vorm, en ek druk weer daai enter knoppie. Nou gaan die hare waai.

Ek kry toe weer ‘n email.

(Intussen stuur 3 care nog emails, en ek herhaal net elke keer weer my storie, en kry dieselfde simpel antwoord terug.)

 

Thank you for your email to the Telecommunications Industry Ombudsman (TIO) on 30 April 2010. The TIO reference number for your complaint is xx/xxx.

You have told us that you have a complaint with 3 about a billing and customer service issue with a mobile  service. You have also told us that you are disputing $26.75 in charges .

What to do about your complaint

*******************************

To continue the complaint process, please take these steps:

1. Call 3's Resolution Team on to 1300 550 099. This team is a resolution department at 3 which receives referrals from the TIO. It is a standard part of our process to give a company another opportunity to resolve a complaint directly with its customer. In our experience, most complaints are resolved through this process of direct referral. 

2. Tell 3's Resolution Team that the TIO referred you and explain your complaint. 3 has 10 working days to resolve your complaint directly with you from the date you call its resolution department. 

3. If you are disputing charges on a bill, please ask 3 to put this part of your bill on hold (be sure to explain what and how much is in dispute). 3 cannot ask you to pay these charges until your complaint is resolved, so please contact the TIO again if credit management action continues. However, please organise to pay the rest of your bills, because 3 can ask you to pay non-disputed charges.

4. Contact the TIO again about your complaint if you cannot resolve it directly with 3 after this referral - see next section for instructions. If you do not contact the TIO again, we will assume that your complaint has been resolved.

Mense, die ding raak nou langdradig. Ek bel toe die perde, maar sit vir 11 minute lank en musiek luister. Man, ek is so kwaad soos ‘n steeks renoster.

Uiteindelik antwoord ‘n antie, en ek vertel vir haar my storie. Na ‘n lang heen en weer verduideliking met baie vrae van haar kant af, sê sy vir my “wow, this is quite complicated”.

Ek is so verbaas ek sluk amper my adamsappel in.

Ek sê vir haar al wat sy moet doen is om die twee nommers om te ruil. Die broadband ene eindig met ‘n 1, en die voice nommer eindig met ‘n 2. That’s all.

“Ooooh”, sê sy, toe die liggie uiteindelik aangaan in haar dowwe kop. “We can do that, but the person who does that is not in at the moment. She’ll be in tomorrow, and then I’ll ring you back”.

Dammit - so naby, en tog so ver. Intussen begin tel die rekening seker al weer spoed op met my voice calls wat op my broadband kaart land.

Ek wag die volgende dag - niks.

‘n Week later bel ek weer die fancy nommer, en doen die gebruiklike musiekluister-ding tot iemand uiteindelik antwoord.

Die keer is dit ‘n man. Hy klink sommer asof hy weet wat aangaan - ek besef hier slaan ons dalk ‘n ses vandag. Na ‘n lang rigmarole vertel hy vir my dat die Natasha girl die hele week siek was nadat sy met my gepraat het, en dis hoekom niks gebeur het nie, en hys vreeslik jammer.

Ek het seker maar die effek op mense, want dis nie die eerste keer wat dit met my gebeur by ‘n call centre nie.

Die selfde dag nog biep die foon en vertel my dat die nommer verander het. Ek ruil die twee SIM kaarte om en siedaar - die nuwe kaart het nou die ou nommer, en ons kan nou bel met hom.

Of dit nou reg is, sal ons sien as die volgende rekening kom.

Die les hieruit? - Hou aan baklei tot jy wen, moenie moed opgee nie, moenie dat lang stukke musiek op die foonlyn jou regte van jou ontneem nie. Freedom is just a long boring phone call and ten emails away!!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Huisvrou van die Namib

Ek sit mos nou hier by die huis en huisvrou speel. My vrou is daar in Aapland, op 'n Afrika safari, terwyl ek hier sit en kinders grootmaak - stoksielallleen op 'n Saterdagaand.

Ek het nou vandag en more verlof ingesit, want ek moet darem ook voel hoe dit voel om 'n huisvrou te wees.

Hulle sê mos mans kan nie "multitasking" doen nie. Kom ek vertel jou bietjie van multitasking. Ek kyk 'n movie op TV met die klank lekker hard aan; ek maak vloere skoon, ek maak die kombuis skoon, ek het klere in die wasmasjien, en ek het 'n lekker lamb roast wat daar in die Weber lê en gaar word.

Die kombuis blink, en ek het die barbeque buite ook sommer 'n slag gewas. Die sitkamerbanke se kussings is vir die eerste keer hierdie jaar afgehaal en ek het onder hulle gestofsuig. Ek kyk movie, ek drink koffie, alles so terwyl die kos kook en die huis skoongemaak word.

My jongste meisiekind het by 'n maatjie gekuier, en toe sy terugkom toe huil sy en daar spring die grootste stuk snot uit haar neus uit wat ek nog ooit in my lewe gesien het. Die tannie wat haar afgelaai het skrik nog groter as ek, en daar gaat sy. Ek hol badkamer toe en vee daai meter-lange stuk ghwel met 'n halwe rol toiletpapier van haar gesig af.

Ek dink dis tyd dat my vrou begin werk sodat ek voltyds huisvrou kan word. Dis kinderspeletjies die.

Friday, May 14, 2010

1975

Ek was 5 jaar oud, en my boetie was drie. Ons het vir die naweek weggegaan iewers heen; ek kan nie onthou waarnatoe nie. My pa was nie saam met ons nie.

Ons was terug by die huis. Ons het by die trappe opgeklim na die voordeur toe. Ons het by die huis ingestap en iets het vir my anders gelyk. Die Hi-fi was weg. Hoekom ek dit tot vandag toe onthou, weet ek nie. Ek het vir my ma gevra wat van die Hi-Fi geword het.

Sy het vir my iets verduidelik van dat sy en my pa geskei het. Hy gaan nie meer hier by ons bly nie, maar hy sal kom kuier nou en dan.

Niks het dus vir my verander nie, want hy was in elk geval nooit daar nie. Behalwe vir die feit dat hy opgehou het om nou en dan te kom kuier - daai deel was nie heeltemal waar nie.

Ons het opgehou duits praat en hom nie weer gesien nie.

Iets binne my wou altyd 'n pa gehad het. Ek was klein, maar ek was hard, en my ma verkeer onder die indruk dat ons dit maklik hanteer het. My maatjies het almal pa's gehad. Hier en daar was daar ook verdwaalde siele uit gebroke huise, maar hulle was nog minder lus om daaroor te praat. Meeste van hulle was moeilikheid makers - die moeilike kinders.

Toe ek tien jaar oud word het ek 'n nuwe pa gekry. 'n Wonderlike man wat vir my baie beteken. Dis egter moeilik om tien jaar van jou lewe in te haal asof dit nie gebeur het nie.

Ek was sterk, al was ek klein, en ek het groot geword.

Die dag toe my vrou my vertel dat sy swanger is, was vir my 'n groot uitdaging. Nie omdat ek nie van kinders hou nie, maar omdat ek bang was dat ek so sleg pa soos my eie sou wees. Hoe moet ek weet om kinders groot te maak? Gaan ek ook weghardloop en dit los vir 'n ander man om later te kom doen?

Die dag toe ek daai klein seuntjie die eerste keer vashou, het ek geweet ek is nie so nie. Maar dit maak dit moeiliker om te verstaan. Hoe kan enige iemand sy eie kinders weggooi en ignoreer, en maak asof hy hulle nie ken nie? Hoe kan jy nie wil weet hoe dit met jou eie kinders gaan nie? Hoe kan jy nie belangstel in hulle nie? Hoe vergeet mens jou eie kind se verjaardag?

Daar was baie ander vaderfigure in my lewe - mense wat my rigting gegee het toe ek dit nodig gehad het. Maar hy was nie daar nie.

My seun word groot, en elke keer as ek sien hoe hy opkyk na my, maak dit op vir dit wat ek nie gehad het nie. Mag hy nooit daardie verwerping ervaar nie. Die vloek is gebreek.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Upgrades en downloads

Ek het destyds, net na ons in ons eerste huis ingetrek het hier in Perth, aansoek gedoen by Telstra vir my internet broadband konneksie.

Telstra is Australia se weergawe van Telkom. Hulle het ‘n groot monopolie aan die gang, en baie mense voel dat hulle te duur is. Daar is ook baie kompetisie in die mark.

Ek het na al die opsies gekyk, en ‘n paar was baie beter wat broadband betref. Waar dit egter begin haak het, was om ADSL2+ by my huis te kry. Meeste van die ander verskaffers het gefrons en gewonder en alles vertraag. Telstra het dadelik bevestig dat hulle dit kan doen, en het dit binne ‘n redelike vinnige tyd ge-installeer. Hulle kon ‘n goeie ADSL2+ diens verskaf sonder probleme.

Ek het ‘n internet konneksie wat ‘n maksimum spoed het van 20Mbps, hoewel dit nooit regtig daardie spoed bereik nie. Ek toets dit gereeld, en kry normaalweg tussen 5000kbps en 6000kbps na ‘n server in Los Angeles, en bietjie vinniger na Londen, en dan tussen 350kbps en 500kbps upload speed. Ek het sopas ‘n toets gedoen en 11272 kbps gekry na Londen met upload speed van 488kbps.

image

Dis goed genoeg vir my. Hierdie bandwydte is beperk tot 12G se downloads per maand, ‘n limiet wat ek nog nie een keer kon oorskry nie, selfs nie toe skoonma hier gekuier het en gereeld internet videos gekyk het nie. My hoogste verbruik vir een maand was so tussen 9 en 10G.

Intussen het ek gesien ek kan ‘n paar dollar spaar as ek my FOXTEL rekening kombineer met my Tesltra rekening. (FOXTEL is nou Australië se weergawe van DSTV.)

Toe ek my FOXTEL die eerste keer bestel het, het ek net die gewone decoder bestel. Hy kan nie record en rewind en al daai dinge nie. Die fancier ene is FOXTEL IQ, wat vir jou toelaat om een kanaal te kyk terwyl jy die ander record, en al sulke goed. Dan is daar IQ2, wat die HD service is.

Ek het nou al reeds gratis HD op my free-to-air kanale (cool - vir ‘n ingenieur is dit ‘n plesier om sulke dinge te beleef), maar ek dink nie dis die moeite werd om te betaal net om dinge in HD te kyk nie, veral nie op my ou 22duim skermpie nie.

‘n Bietjie agtergrond vir die lesers:

Australia is besig om al sy “Free-to-air” kanale oor te skakel na ‘n digitale stelsel. Free to air is die gewone televisie kanale, soos hulle in SA die SABC kanale en ETV het. Binne die volgende paar jaar gaan al die ou analoog seine afgeskakel word, en dan gaan jy net digitale TV kan ontvang. Digitale TV is beter kwaliteit, dis soos MNET maar jy betaal nie fooie nie, want dis publieke kanale.

Digitale TV het twee groepe - SD en HD. SD is standard Definition, en HD is High Definition. Moderne TV’s kan SD kanale vanself opvang, en die duur groot skerms kan HD direk ook opvang. Die ou soort gewone TV’s wat ons ken, kan nie digitale kanale opvang nie, en om dit te kan doen moet jy ‘n set-top box koop. Die ding is maar net soos ‘n MNET decoder wat die sein verwerk en omskakel na ‘n gewone TV sein. Van hulle kan HD ook opvang, maar jy verloor natuurlik die HD kwaliteit as gevolg van die omskakeling na analoog seine, behalwe as jy ‘n nuwer TV het wat ‘n HDMI kabel konneksie het.

Die pyn met hierdie free to air kanale is dat hulle jou bombardeer met advertensies. FOXTEL wys bietjie minder advertensies, maar ook nie veel minder nie.

In elk geval, ek het nou heel van die pad af gegaan met die storie. Meeste van julle sit en snork seker alreeds.

Ek sien toe dat hierdie bondel-affêre goed werk. As jy jou internet, jou FOXTEL en jou foon almal saambondel by Tesltra, dan kry jy goeie afslag. Jy kry ook net een rekening vir al drie daardie goed, wat jou betaling makliker maak. Ek het dit intussen al so saamgebondel, maar ek soek eintlik die IQ decoder wat kan record en agteruit-speel en koffie maak en al daai dinge doen.

Ek was nou vir ongeveer 40 minute op die foon met Telstra se helpdesk. Meeste van die tyd was my foon natuurlik op speakerphone en het ek na musiek geluister. Maar om ‘n baie laaaang storie kort te maak, kry ek nou FOXTEL IQ saam met 25G broadband elke maand (ipv die 12G wat ek gehad het), en ‘n beter home phone opsie wat my ekstra gratis lokale oproepe gee, en dit kos my alles saam $10 minder per maand as wat ek tot nou toe elke maand betaal het.

Hoe verstaan mens dit? Hoekom het ek dit nie al lankal gedoen nie, wonder ek?

Elke dag leer mens iets nuuts…as jy jou oë oophou, natuurlik.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Wille naweek met die kinners

[Ou storie - Oktober 2009]

"Dis lekker, Pappa", sê my jongste, en vee die vet van haar wang af met haar mou. Daar is kos in haar hare, en sulke vuil kolle op haar hemp. Sy lyk soos 'n weeskindjie in Katutura.

"Is daar nog ribbetjies, Pappa?", vra my oudste seun terwyl hy die laaste stuk bacon in sy mond prop.

Daar is nog, maar sluk eers daai af met 'n bietjie coke, seun.

Dis Saterdag-oggend ontbyt. Ma is weg op een of ander vrouekamp, en Pa is in charge vir die naweek.

Iewers in die huis moet daar nog skoon skottelgoed wees, maar niemand weet waar nie. Die wasbak is vol, en die skottelgoedwasser is toegepak. Dis tyd om die papierborde uit te kry. (Hoekom het ek nie lankal daaraan gedink nie?)

Die kinders het almal voor die TV aan die slaap geraak gisteraand. Dit was al manier om hulle stil te kry sodat hulle nie heelnag neul oor Ma wat weg is nie.

Hierdie kinders van my vreet mos heeltyd. Waars die dae toe ek 'n kind was - ons het drie etes per dag gehad en dit was dit. My vrou het een of ander deal aan die gang waar die kinders heeltyd aanmekaar vreet. Hulle eet darem redelik gesond, maar magtag, mens kan nie heeldag so inprop nie. Ek moet oral appelstronke en piesangskille optel, en dan eers weer raas en baklei tot iemand sy gemors skoonmaak.

Daar is darem nog genoeg ribbetjies om later weer te braai. En ek het die pizza-plek se website onder my favourites.

Ek het intussen een vreeslike hooikors opgetel, en kan amper nie deur my neus asemhaal nie.

Ek moet seker vanaand die kinders in die bad kry. En more moet hulle 'n slag skoon klere aantrek, want ma kom terug. Ek wonder of enige van hulle al tande geborsel het die naweek?

Die plek is 'n gemors - hoe is dit moontlik dat drie minderjariges so baie kan mors? Hierdie naweek leer hulle al drie hoe 'n besem en 'n mop werk.

Nou moet ek eers bietjie slaap inhaal. Ek het my vryheid geniet en laatnag action movies gesit en kyk.

Ek weet nie of ek sal kan wakkerbly deur vanaand se Curriebeker wedstryd nie. Die kinder-oppassery is harde werk...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Die Ghana scammer storie

Ek weet baie van my getroue lesers het alreeds hierdie storie gelees toe ek dit die eerste keer geskryf het op 'n ander plek. Hier is hy weer, vir al my nuwe aanhangers - al tien dele van die lang vervolgverhaal mooi netjies bymekaar - in technicolor!

Click op hierdie link om te begin, en volg net die links aan die einde van elke storie tot jy by Deel 10 kom.

Please note that no children or animals were hurt during the making of this production.

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 10

Chester het probeer om weer die besigheid verder te voer:

Dear Kevin,

Now, about something else.

I can see that you are a keen contemptible businessman, and I can trust you. I would like to know if you want to do more business of another dubious nature.

You see, the real business is in a new drug called Varkbal. I have been setting up some really good networks all over Africa, and I know you can be of good help to us.

If you are interested let me know. You are under no obligation to do this other business, I am only offering because we are good partners so far. It is only for those with a strong heart and mind, the kind of people who are really hardworking decadent businessmen. If you think you are that kind of man, then we can talk about it. But, if not, please do not mention this to anyone, it could cause many problems of a compromising nature to me and my atrocious company. This is just our secret - between you and me, all right?

So let me know how you feel about exposing yourself to an international disturbing business.

I will be out of reach over the weekend - will be back in touch on Monday.

Regards,
Chess


Daar was geen terugvoer van Kelvin af nie, toe probeer ou Chess maar weer:

Hi Kevin,

I am back after a busy weekend running all my affairs. Have you recieved my last email?

Are you interested in doing business with me?
Let me know. Time is running out.

See you later
Chess
Weereens niks. Chester moet nou alles probeer om die man se aandag te kry. Lyk my ek het nou die keer te ver gegaan - uiteindelik.


Kevin,

I haven’t heard from you, so I don’t know if you’ve gone to Yendi yet.

I have had many problems with these FedEx people, and I have decided to go and collect that package at Yendi myself. I want to fly in to Ghana on Thursday and meet you at the airport at Yendi.

We are flying in with our corporate jet. We will land at Accra airport, and will immediately get a connect flight to Yendi.

Hopefully I will be able to sort out these depraved smugglers who have our package.

Hope to you see you there. We will land there at 13:30.
Regards,
Chess


Steeds net stilte - miskien is hy al in Yendi? Wie sal ooit weet?

Dis nou hier waar ek my finale haas uit die hoed gehaal het. As Kevin nie meer vir Chester vertrou nie, bring 'n derde party in. Dis tyd om die kat in die hondehok te gooi:

Hierdie "angle" op die storie het weereens baie vernuf en verbeelding gevat van my kant af. Gelukkig het ek kontakte - so watch it.

Hier is die laaste email wat ene Kelvin Kamwe van my af ontvang het. (Of was dit nou ekke?)



From: John Edgar Heever [mailto:fbi_anticorruption_unit@elitemail.org]
Sent: Wednesday, 3 June 2009 20:21
To: Kelvin kwame
Subject: Corruption and fraud investigation




Dear Mr. “Kamwe”,
First, let me introduce myself:
My name is John Edgar Heever, I am with the FBI. We are currently investigating a case of fraud, murder, money laundering and international drug smuggling, and as a result you are now under investigation.
We have proof that you have been in contact with a certain Mr. John Paul Emeka. We also have proof that you have been involved in numerous cases of fraud, embezzlement and misrepresentation, and that you have stolen international funds.
As we have international jurisdiction, we are allowed by the Ghana government to operate on foreign soil, and we have therefore been following your every move and action for the last two months.
We know when you go to sleep, we know when, where and what you eat, we know each time you log into a computer, and we have been tracking each of your criminal transactions.
The most alarming discovery, however, is that we found that you had direct relations with Mr. Chester Williams. This person is on the most wanted list in ten countries, and we have been tracking him down for quite a while.
As you probably know, Mr Williams is an extremely dangerous man. He would not think twice about your life, and will certainly silence anyone who has had contact with him and could testify against him in a court of law. He always covers his tracks, which is why he has been so difficult to hunt down.
We have discovered that Mr. Williams was planning on sending some illegal drugs to Ghana, and he has been arranging to send a package containing these drugs to you. He was just using you - you were under the impression that he was sending you cell phones or something similar.
I would strongly recommend that you co-operate with us during this investigation. It’s your choice, you can decide: do you want Mr Williams to get to you first (and kill you), or would you rather help us to catch him before he gets to you? It’s your choice.
Let us know what you have decided. You have 24 hours. If we hear nothing from you within 24 hours, we will regard you as un-cooperative, and we will just sit and wait for Chester Williams to hunt you down. That way, we will be able to catch him, and get him charged for murder. We will have no use for you any further. We do not negotiate with terrorists, and we don’t stand in their way when they get killed by other terrorists.
If you are aware of Mr Williams’s whereabouts, I suggest that you inform us, because we have information that suggests that he is on his way to Ghana on a mission to get rid of evidence - including any humans who can testify against him.
As I said, “Kelvin”, it’s your choice. And by the way, before you try your luck - we know you are not really Kelvin Kamwe. We know you have been providing false ID documents in the name of John Paul Emeka, although you used the passport of Daniel Ghaudunkwa and illegally made a counterfeit passport.
We know much more than you could ever think.
Have a nice day
John Edgar Heever
FBI







Die skrywer se finale woord na diepe innerlike betragting:

Ek dink ou Daniel Skedonkwa het sy broek natgemaak en 'n donker streep in die straat gelos. Hy het seker sy rekenaar aan die brand gesteek, en loer heeltyd oor sy skouer. Ek hoop tog Chester kry hom eendag regtig in die hande. Ek hoor sulke "rumours" dat Chester laas in Accra gesien is met 'n AK47 en 'n byl.

Weereens beloof ek plegtig dat al die emails hier presies net so geplaas is soos wat hulle gestuur is, sonder enige redigering, behalwe vir die blou wat ek ingesit het om sekere science fiction mee te beklemtoon, en die rooi kommentare tussen-in.

Ek kan die oorspronlike chain van emails vir jou aanstuur as jy my nie glo nie, en julle is natuurlik almal vreeslik welkom om 'n emailtjie te gooi na my "Ghanaian friend", Mr Kelvin Kamwe, alias John Paul Emeka, alias Daniel Gaudunkwa by
mrkelvinkwameh@yahoo.cn

Of gee hom gerus 'n luitjie namens die FBI. Sy nommer is 0249141364 in Accra, Ghana - not Gambia, but Accra Ghana so it is Ghana not Gambia because I notice that you say Gambia but it is Ghana...

As iemand 'n spin op die storie wil gooi van FedEx se kant af - let him have it, en laat weet my wat gebeur het. Laat weet my watter ander idees julle nog mee kan opkom, maar ek dink nie Kelvin wil meer met my besigheid doen nie. Dis seker maar 'n "cultural issue".

Fluit fluit, die storie is uit. As julle van hom gehou het, en genoeg smeek, dan kan ek die 25-jarige dametjie van Nigeria ook uithelp - sy het onlangs 'n emailtjie in my junkmail folder gelos. Amper soos iemand wat 'n windjie los in die teekamer...

May the Force be with you...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 9

Kevin het toe egter nie gebel nie, lyk my hy bluf oor die bellery. Hy het egter bo verwagting goed presteer met die volgende email.

Kevin is ewe skielik vreeslik bedees:

Dear Chester Williams
Here is the ID of Emeka John Paul who the package will be deliver to his address and he will bring it to me to enable do as we plane and I am also using this opportunity to say sorry if you don’t like the words I use in the last mail to you so am very sorry

Mean while I will be waiting for your response as soon as you receive this ID and give it to them please get back to me and let me know when the package will arrive here in Ghana and please do not forget to give them the phone number I give to you which they will call as soon as the package arrive here in Ghana

Thanks and i am waiting
Regards
Mr. Kelvin
Hier is die pragtige ID wat hy aangeheg het: (Kliek op die ding om beter te kan sien)

Die aangehegte paspoort is ‘n groot wenner. Ek soek al lank so ‘n trofee. Sien, onder die anti-scammer brigade, is dit ‘n trofee soos min - ‘n regte, egte fake paspoort van ‘n scammer.

Die man se MS-Paint skills is beter as Chong Wong sin, moet ek sê, maar nie orde-grotes beter nie.

Kyk hoe oulik is John Paul Emeka se naampie daar in ge-“paste”, in ‘n heel ander font as die res van die goed, maar hy het vergeet om die naam onder-aan in die paspoort se geheime kode ook te dokter. So, daar staan die naam ewe - Ghaudunkwa, Daniel...

Arme ding, hy is regtig nie die skerpste potlood in die blikkie nie.

Chester is egter be-indruk, en die transaksie kan uiteindelik weer voortgaan.

Chester het mos kontakte wêreldwyd, en met die mooi egte paspoort kan hy net vorentoe boer.

In Ghana is daar ‘n hele paar vliegvelde, wat ek danksy Google opgespoor het. Een van hulle is Yendi, wat ongeveer 619 km van Accra af is. Die plan het al lankal begin vorm aanneem in my brein, toe ek so na die kaarte begin kyk om te sien waar Ghana nou eintlik was.

Fedex kan ongelukkig nie in Accra aflewer nie, hulle kan net Yendi toe vlieg, omdat die aflewering mos nou eintlik verkeerd was van die begin af. Ou Kelvin sal bietjie moeite moet doen om die pakkie te gaan haal.


Dear Kevin,

I appreciate the reverential change in attitude, it is healthy for our relationship.

Thank you very much for the passport, I have forwarded it to FedEx, and they were indeed happy with it. They will be shipping to Ghana immediately.

This time we have the address correct. It is Ghana, not Gambia, it is Ghana as you said in your email, and I confirmed again that they will be sending it to Ghana. So it is Ghana, not Gambia.

They have your number, and should be calling any time soon.
Now, have you found any quotes from local traffickers about how much they will pay for a Nokia N97? How much is it worth, and when will you pay the money into the Global Courier Services Account? I need to receive my package soon please.

I have been thinking about visiting Ghana soon. Maybe we can meet in a nice quiet detrimental place and talk some more business one day.

Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon.

May the force be with you.
Regards,
Chess

Ek praat van local traffickers, soos in "drug traffickers", en hy lig nie eens ‘n halwe wenkbrou nie.

Sinonieme vir woorde wat ek gebruik het:

Reverential - respectful

Detrimental - harmful, damaging, disadvantageous, unfavourable
“Maybe we can meet in a nice quiet detrimental place...”

“May the force be with you?” Hierdie ou kyk obviously net iAfrika TV, hyt gin idee nie.

Inteendeel, Chester het nou die man se hartsnare geroer:


Dear Chester Williams

Thanks for your mail to me and am once again apologize for the mail I sent to you which you are not much happy about so please forgive and forget Mean while I have not ask how much they are selling the phone here but all know is that any amount the prize is here it must rich to pay the charge to Global Company to enable them deliver your package to you because the phone is expensive phone so don’t worry about that I will make sure I sell it the amount that will rich to pay for the delivering of your package

Regards what you said about visiting Ghana I will be very happy if you can do so because I have a friend who is a Banker and he is looking for a good trusted foreign partner that he can do business with a very large of amount and when you come I will introduce you to him so that he can do the transaction with you because I have the trust in you and I will guarantee him in that you are a nice person so no problem about that

Thanks and I will let you know as soon as the phones arrive here in Ghana and Fedex company call to come and collect it
Thanks and I am waiting to here from you as soon as you receive this mail about the business I talk about with my friend who work in a Bank here

Regards
Mr. Kelvin

Oh yes! A new business partner! Asseblief meneer.

Nou begin dinge lekker raak. Ons is nou klaar met die speletjies, hier kom nou groot besigheid.

Ek het geweet hierdie ou gaan oorstelp wees van vreugde as hy hoor dat ek wil kom kuier. Dan kan hulle vir Chester hostage hou, rape, vermoor en al wat 'n lekker ding is. Daar was so tyd terug 'n dom Aussie wat so gevang is toe hy Nigeria toe gaan. Hy land daar met sy aktetassie om die "groot geld deal" te doen, toe druk die manne hom in 'n kar se boot en hy sukkel 4 maande lank om weer uit die land uit te kom.

Ek het Kelvin se hartsnare geroer, en die vreeslike apology is tog te pragtig. Nou is dit tyd vir groot besigheid.

Maar eers moet ek die pakkie reroute na ‘n useless klein dorpie in Ghana met die naam van Yendi.

Dear Kelvin,

There is good news, and there is bad news. The good news is that the package has arrived in Ghana. The bad news is that it was taken to another city close to you, the place is called Yendi.

They tell me it is not too far away from Accra.

Apparently there is some problem to deliver to Accra, something went wrong with the aeroplane, and it had to land on the airstrip at Yendi.

Fortunately it is very close to Accra, so maybe if you would take a taxi and go and fetch it there, it would save some time. Otherwise we have to wait for next month’s flight from Yendi to Accra.

I am very angry at these FedEx people, they have really messed this up in an insanitary way. So please just commandeer a train, ferry or bus to Yendi and go and get the package there if you please. I am sorry about this premeditated error.

I will write to you soon about some other business, I just need to handle a few meetings with my concubine and the despot.

Will be in touch soon.

Regards,
Chester
Greetings
Word vervolg...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 8

Chester onderhandel vreeslik met die Fedex manne, maar dinge werk nie in Gambia so lekker nie. Die Gambia regering is baie streng oor die tipe van ding, en hulle laat nie vir Fedex toe om pakkies te “re-route” sonder dat die volledige naam en besonderhede van die ontvanger van die pakkie bewys kan word nie. Fedex vra vreeslik om verskoning, maar reëls is reëls.


Dear Kevin,

I have talked to Fedex, but there is a slight problem here. Firstly, they don’t like delivering to any place that was not on the original waybill. They already have the package in the offices at Serrekunda, Gambia. This is my fault, I have explained to them, but things are a bit muddy now.

The Gambia government is very strict and will not allow them to smuggle the package out of the country without proof of the indignity of the recipient, Emeka John Paul.

I need all the additional derisory information. I have given them the phone number 0249141364, but they say they need proof of identification from the person who will receive the package, and proof of address. This is needed to get the package delivered in Ghana. Without this information they will confiscate the package.

So, this is not really a big problem, all we need from you is the ID document, or passport, or drivers licence from Emeka John Paul, and all would be fine.

I am sorry for the obnoxious inconvenience. If you could send me that ID information I would be happy to send it on to them for redundant clearance. I am sure it is only a premeditated overbearing procedure and then all would be well.

My sincere commiseration about the ambiguous delay, hopefully this will be finalised soon.

Regards,
Chester

Here is the message from FedEx:

Dear Mr. Williams,

We apologise for the inconvenience caused in the delivery of your package to Ghana. We are, however, under pressure from the Gambia government not to release this package without having the following details from the recipient
in Ghana:

1. Full name:
2. Delivery Address:
3. Any official identity document
as proof of identity (passport, driver’s lizence or national ID document)

Again, we apologise for this inconvenience. We value your frequent business and assure you that your account with us is one of the most important relations we have with Lehman brothers. We will do anything we can to assist you in this matter.

In order for us to expedite this delivery, please provide information as required.

Yours sincerely,
Eugene Terreblanche
Fedex General Manager - Southern African region

Sien, ek praat sommer reguit van “smuggle the package”.

“proof of the indignity

Nog ‘n taallessie: die woord indignity is sinoniem vir “humiliation, shame, disgrace”, ensovoorts.

Sinonieme vir “derisory” is as volg: ridiculous, insulting, laughable

“I need all the additional derisory information”

commiseration about the ambiguous delay” :

“commiseration” is simpatie, as jou span verloor, as iemand doodgaan of so iets; amper soos “condolences”.

Ambiguous beteken “vague, unclear, uncertain”

“Obnoxious inconvenience” - bwahaha

Hy weet natuurlik nie wie Oom Eugene Terreblanche is nie. Die “Lehman brothers”-ding vang hy ook nog steeds nie.

Kelvin was egter hierdie keer regtig onbeskof, en het begin klink asof hy dalk iewers tog snuf in die dik neusgate kry:


Dear Chester Williams
I dont understand what they mean by i should provide the receivers ID to them ever before they can deliver the package to the receiver here that is lie and i can do that because is ilegal if they demand for such if they need any ID they should ask you to provide it because you are the person that made the mistake not the receiver

Since you made a mistake and tell them to correct it all they have to do is to correct it but if they say no tell them to retune it to you so that you will look for another company and send it as for me i can not ask the receiver to give me his ID so that i will send to them because that has not been done any where in this world

If they can not deliver it here in Accra Ghana to the address i send to you let them forget about it. Mean while i will like to know why you don't want to give me your phone number because i have to phone number from you now and each of them any one i called they will tell me is wrong number here is the two number you give to me and no one is your own +27 082 897 1018 another one is this +27 720 756701. what is going on please

Thanks
Mr. Kelvin


Net so gooi hy hom - nie een leesteken nie. Totaal onaanvaarbaar.

Ek is mal oor die “retune” ene - hoe retune mens ‘n ding? Ek tune jou lekka my bra.

Ek kom agter die perd raak agterdogtig. Daar is nou een van twee opsies:

Opsie 1 - hond met stert tussen die bene - speel met sy gevoelens.
Opsie 2 - slaan terug, slaan hard, en kyk of hy retireer

Ek weet nie lekker wat om oor die telefoon ding te doen nie, want die ou klink nou asof hy regtig gebel het! Ek het nie gedink hy sal nie. Ek wonder hoe daardie gesprekke afgegaan het? Wens ek kon dit opneem...

Chester, mos immers ‘n belangrike Lehman brothers vennoot, het egter hierdie keer besluit genoeg is genoeg. Dis tyd dat Chester sy stem dik maak hier:


Dear Kevin,

I am sorry, but I do not make the rules. I have given my commiserations and apologies, what more can I do? I would have thought you would be thankful for this very expensive phone you are receiving, but it seems you are being very selfish and a bit un-cooperative indeed, if I may say so.

The courier company already has all my ID details. But, as I explained incongruously before, the Gambian government has its own rules and cannot be bothered by what I have to say about it.

I have friends in many places all over the world, and I am trying to get some favours from some of them. Maybe I can get this stimulated in a positive way.

But in the meanwhile, I really need an ID document. It can be anyone, as long as it is a legitimate person with a real address in Ghana. They want that as proof of where this is going, because they are suspecting drug smugglers and are encouraging the courier companies to be meticulous in aiding these smugglers.

The other idea I was thinking about was, can we get the Global Courier Service Company to collect the package in Serrekunda, Gambia? They can surely do that for us, can’t they? Don’t you work with them?

I don’t know why you are not getting through to my phone number. This is puzzling me in a mirthful way. Have you dialled the correct codes? I do a lot of travelling internationally, and my calls get relayed to my secretary when I am not available. But she should be putting you in touch with me. It may be that she is not aware of who you are. I will let her know that if a call comes from Gambia she must put it through or take a message. Oh no, I made that mistake again – I mean Ghana of course.

You can also try this number; it is my satellite phone number: +61881631430772. If that does not work try ['n Vriend in SA se selfoonnommer]. If a guy answers, tell him you are looking for Chester Williams, the code word is ZULU. This guy is my personal assistant; he will know where to find me.

All my numbers get relayed to my secretary, which is the problem. I am extremely busy and am not always available for conversations. If they do not let you through, it may be because I am in a meeting, or I am out of the country for a business trip.

Please just leave a message if you cannot find me.

In the meanwhile, if you could get us that ID, I will be able to encourage the speediness of the transaction and delivery to Ghana will happen soon.

Thanks
Regards,
Chester

Woord verduideliking:

Incongruously - inappropriately, absurdly

Mirthful - joyful

Meticulous - thorough (deeglik)

“are encouraging the courier companies to be meticulous in aiding these smugglers.” Bwahaha

Hier vind ons ewe skielik ‘n nuwe wending - Chester is in charge, en Kevin begin te bedel. Ek het gedog ek sou hom nou al afskrik, maar helaas, hy byt nog vas soos ‘n bullterrier.

Dit was lekker om hom bietjie te corner oor Global Couriers - as hulle bestaan het, kon hulle mos die ding ge-courier het in die eerste plek?

Intussen waarsku ek my vriend in die Kaap dat daar dalkies ‘n internasionale oproep gaan kom.

Die ou gaan jou dalk bel - maak asof jy Chester
is en sê vir hom ons soek daai ID.

Maak asof jy in 'n meeting is en nie lank kan praat nie, en laat die lyn vrek as hy moeilike vrae vra

Thanks pel!!

Lees volgende keer verder oor Chester en Kelvin se avonture...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 7

Kelvin het vir ‘n verandering die groot bitmap attachment oopgekry, en dadelik Chester se dom fout raakgesien:


Dear Chester Williams

After receiving the attachment of the airway bill when I open it I find out that you did not send the phones to Ghana you send it to Gambia and I told you early that Ghana is the country I am staying not Gambia the Two country are deferent countries they are not one

All you have to do as soon as you receive this mail is to go back to the FedEx office where you from send the package to Gambia and when you rich there tell them that you made a mistake that you are to send the package to Accra Ghana not Gambia so that they should call the package back from Gambia and send it to Accra Ghana

Here is the address I give to you before where the package should send to but you live it and send the phones to Gambia instead of Accra Ghana. Bellow is the address you will send the phones so that I can receive it [huh?]

Receivers Name: Emeka John Paul
Phone Number; 0249141364
Address: 34 new achimota plazer,
Accra Ghana

Please as soon as you receive this mail print out this information here and take it to the FedEx office and give it to them and tell them that is the address you want to send the package to but you made a mistake and send it to Gambia that they should send it to this address

Thanks and I will call you today

[Kannie wag nie!! Lusty lines is op hulle pos...]

Regards
Mr. Kelvin


Hier moes ek eers weer bietjie dink. Hoe kan ek hierdie ou nog aan sy neusgate rondlei? Wat se twak kan ek nog uitdink?

Ek het bietjie op Google maps gaan kyk waar is Ghana en Gambia nou eintlik. Miskien gee dit my ‘n vars idee:



Gambia en Ghana is altwee daar op die Weskus van Afrika, langs Ivoorkus, Sierra Leone, Nigeria, en al wat ‘n hool is. Die twee lande is omtrent 2000km uitmekaar.

Een van die goed wat ek lees oor “The Gambia” is:


“The Gambia is a source, transit, and destination country for children and women trafficked for the purposes of forced labor and commercial sexual exploitation; women and girls, and to a lesser extent boys, are trafficked for sexual exploitation - in particular to meet the demand for European sex tourism - and for domestic servitude; boys are trafficked within the country for forced begging and street vending; Gambian women and children may be trafficked to Europe through trafficking schemes disguised as migrant smuggling”

Oor Ghana het die CIA die volgende te sê:

“illicit producer of cannabis for the international drug trade; major transit hub for Southwest and Southeast Asian heroin and, to a lesser extent, South American cocaine destined for Europe and the US; widespread crime and money laundering problem, but the lack of a well developed financial infrastructure limits the country's utility as a money laundering center; significant domestic cocaine and cannabis use”

Met ander woorde, hierdie is ‘n klomp sleg genetiese materiaal op ‘n vullishoop in die middel van Afrika.

Net voor die geagte lesers die arme Kevin/Paul/John/Sipho jammer kry, onthou net hy is ‘n sleg uitvaagsel wat sy eie ma sal verkoop vir drankgeld, en haar nog as seksslaaf sal gebruik ook. Die feit dat hy in hierdie scheme betrokke is, en die slinksheid wat hy toon gedurende die hele transaksie, wys hoe sleg hy is. Hy is ‘n ware verteenwoordiger van die “African Renaissance”.

Terug na die storie.

Chester het intussen besef watse vreeslike fout hy begaan het:

Dear Kevin,

My apologies friend, I have made a horrible, horrible mistake. Yes, you have told me lots of times Ghana not Gambia, Ghana is the place, not Gambia. Oh, I feel so stupid now.

I am so sorry, I always confuse the dilapidated countries with each other, they all seem to be the same. I looked on a map, and I see now that at least the mistake is not too bad, it is probably only 2000km apart from each other.

I have been speaking to Fedex about the problem, and they are looking into it.

As soon as I hear from them, I will let you know what happens

My sincere condolences, I made a big mistake.

Please be forgiving and patient.
Regards,
Chester


[Sincere condolences?? dilapidated countries?? - bwahaha.]
Die storie raak net nog beter.

Maar meer daaroor later.

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 6

Kelvin Kamwe is baie opgewonde oor sy splinternuwe Nokia N97 (2 each) wat binnekort afgelewer gaan word in Accra, Ghana:


Dear Chester Williams

I am happy that you have send the phone through FEDEX and we have there office here in Accra Ghana and i will like you to attach the airway bill and send to me so that i can track the phone to know when it will arrive here in Ghana

Please i am very sure that you send the phone to Accra Ghana not Gambia because Gambia is another country while Ghana is another country and i am in Ghana not Gambia i will call you on phone after sending this mail now to you

Thanks and i am waiting for the airway bill which the Fedex company give to you when you deposited the phones to them

Regards
Mr. Kelvin


Oops - skielik is Chester vreeslik besig, en kom glad nie by sy email uit vir twee dae nie. Maar moenie worry nie, Chester het intussen hard gewerk aan die vervalste waybill dokument wat hy een van die dae gaan deurstuur na Kelvin.

Maar vir eers is Chester bietjie besig met sy blow-up doll en sy Pamela Anderson videos, en hy kom nie by sy rekenaar uit nie. Dit maak vir arme ou Kelvin vreeslik bekommerd, en hy doen ‘n ernstige “follow-up”:

Please i am stil waiting for the airway bill so that i can track the phone to know when it will rich here in Ghana

Thanks and God bless
Mr. Kelvin

Rich? Maybe not mate, you’re counting your chickens long before they’ve hatched. Daar is nou sommer ‘n “God bless” ook in, net vir ingeval.

Chester bly steeds vreeslik besig met sy blow-up doll en sy concubine. Dit is mos darem naweek, after all...

Dis nou interessant. Hy sou my bel net na hy die vorige email gestuur het. Ek het gedink Oom Eugene se flerrie gaan dalk lelik wees met hom, en dan verloor ek my lekker besigheids-partner.
Maar gelukkig lyk dit my hy is steeds te suinig om die foon op te tel vir ‘n internasionale oproep. Sien, ek dink al ook soos een van hulle. Dis alles deel van die taktiek. Maak asof jy probeer bel het, en kon jou kamstig nie in die hande kry nie. Miskien moet ek ook daai ene probeer, bietjie later. Maar vir eers het ek ‘n ander strategie vir die dom asdromkop.

Vir eers moes hy 'n bietjie wag. Ek stuur dan later vir hom sy waybill, en dan sal ons uitvind wat "fout gegaan het" met die courier-besigheid.

Ironies dat hy werk vir Global Couriers, wat ‘n pakkie na my toe moet stuur, maar ek kry vir Fedex om ‘n pakkie na hulle toe te stuur, want hulle is so vreeslik vinnig - nes DHL, wat hy aanbeveel het! As hy regtig vir die Couriers gewerk het, sou hulle mos self gereël het om die pakkie af te kom haal?

Eish. die Chester is mos maar bietjie dom, hy dink nie oor die obvious nie.


Dear Kevin,

Sorry, I was very busy this weekend, and I had not had a chance to look at my email yet. I was at the local children's hospital today, showing them some of the videos I bought recently. Have you ever heard of Hugh Hefner? He makes very good movies. I see that you have been looking to find me on the email. Did you call? I did not recieve any calls from Gambia that I know of. My secretary also did not have any messages for me.

By this time you have probably already recieved the phones? Are they working in your country?

Remember to first charge the batteries for 16 hours, otherwise they don't last long. They say that the N97 batteries are made of silicon anusprod carbidium, and are the newest on the market. But don't use them if you haven't charged them for the first 16 hours. After that you can charge and discharge and use them for any of the purpose. That is very important. Otherwise the battery will lose it's unproven ability to keep going for long periods.

So, let me know if you've recieved the phones? I am waiting to hear from you soon.

God bless you and your family

Regards,
Chess


Weereens gooi ek bietjie science fiction tussen-in. Die batterye het sommer anusprod ook as 'n bestanddeel. En die "unproven ability" sal vir seker nie sy aandag trek nie.

Kelvin se volgende email was bietjie meer onbeskof, lyk my die stress loop hoog.

Dear Chester Williams

I need the airway bill which the FEDEX company give to you when you send the phone and i also need your Mobil phone number so that i will call you

Hope you give the FEDEX company this phone number 0249141364 Which they will call when the phone arrive in Ghana here

Thanks and i am waiting to receive the airway bill
Regards
Mr. Kelvin


Ek was nou al lank voorbereid vir die ding. Ek gaan die pakkie laat “wegraak”. Dis nou waar die hele “Gambia” ding inkom. Ek het ‘n pragtige Fedex waybill voorberei - spesiaal vir my vriend.
Die waybill is met MS Paint so bietjie verdof en verduister sodat net sekere dinge sigbaar is.

Ek het dit natuurlik ook in bitmap formaat gelos, sodat die file groter is. (Net so 1.33 MB) Hoe langer hy vat om dit af te laai, hoe beter. Die kans is goed dat hy op ‘n gewone landlyn sit, en ek gaan sy mailbox lekker stadig maak.

Op die waybill staan daar sy volledige adres, met die woord GAMBIA baie groot geskryf op die ding. Ek gaan die ding vir hom stuur, en kyk hoe vinnig hy dit optel. Ek is seker hy gaan dit byna onmiddellik raaksien, hy is mos baie oplettend. Hy het my nog elke keer mooi reggehelp as ek praat van Gambia.

...Ghana not Gambia because Gambia is another country while Ghana is another country and i am in Ghana not Gambia ...

...Another thing please remember that I am not in Gambia I am in Accra Ghana not Gambia because I see where you write Gambia so mind you is Accra Ghana...
Die eerste “waybill” file wat ek na hom toe gestuur het, was egter ‘n “corrupted” file. Eintlik wou ek gesoek het vir ‘n virus, maar netnou neuk ek myself ook op, en ek het in elk geval nie tyd om virusse te gaan soek op die web nie. (Ek het nie so baie tyd soos wat julle almal dink nie...)

Ek spoor toe ‘n MP3 episode van Jakkals en Wolf op, waar Oom Dana Niehaus vir ons vertel van hoe Jakkals en Wolf die heuning gesteel het. Perfek - 4 Meg groot, en met ‘n lewens-les ingesluit.
Hier gaan ons:

Kevin,

My friend, I am so sorry, have you not received the package yet? I would have thought that it would be in Ghana by now?
Anyway, attached is the waybill. I scanned it in. They should be delivering it any moment now, I would think.

May you have wonderful, holy Sunday.
I am on my way to church now. Hope to hear from you later.

Chess

Chester is nou baie heilig.

Hy hoor egter niks van sy vriend in Ghana nie - dalk het sy vriend gedink hy het nie meer vir Chester nodig nie?

Op hierdie stadium van die geveg het ek vermoed dat my vriend snuf in die neus gekry het.

Chester stuur toe maar die ene:

Kevin,

Did you get the package? I am waiting to hear from you. Has it arrived yet?

The waybill is attached, just in case you didn't get my previous mail.

Regards,
Chess

Ek attach natuurlik weer die helse 4Meg file, net vir ingeval.

Kevin reageer toe baie benoud:

Dear Chester Williams

I have not receive ths package and Fedex company has not call the phone number i give to you to give them so that immediately the package arrive they will call so i am still waiting to receive there call as soon as the package arrive here in Ghana

Please i need your direct Mobil phone number so that i will call you and let you know as soon as the package arrive and they call me

Regards
Mr. Kevin

Nou wonder ek wat het hy dan nou gemaak met die telefoonnommer van die AWB wat ek al drie keer vir hom gegee het? Het hy gebel? Hy noem niks daarvan nie. No worries, ek kry 'n "direct mobile" nommer wat hy kan bel. Ene wat hom baie geld gaan kos.

Lusty line ladies - vir daai sickos wat aanmekaar toevallig op my site uitkom omdat jy soek vir kaal meisies, bel die nommer asseblief:

072 075 6701

Dear Kevin,

There must be something wrong with this delivery, it should be there by now. Please check this attached file and see if the address and everything is correct.

Here is my direct mobile number:
+27 72 075 6701

Regards,
Chester

Die file wat ek attach, het so gelyk:


Lees hier verder...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 5

Helaas, my vrind Kevin is nog vaker as wat ek in my wildste drome verwag het. Dit kan wraggies net lekkerder raak van hier af:

Dear Chester Williams

The model you will buy is N97 or N96 if you have the money to buy too I will be very happy one for me as a gift then I will sale one and help you pay and remember after buying it if you go to send it if they ask you why are you sending the phone to Ghana tell them that is your friend there send money to you to help him buy it and send to him

Another thing please remember that I am not in Gambia I am in Accra Ghana not Gambia because I see where you write Gambia so mind you is Accra Ghana. And please if you want to send it go to DHL and send it that will be very fast than any other company and please do not forget to give them this phone number 0249141364 to call as soon as the phone rich here in Accra Ghana

Here is the Address and the receivers name
NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
ACCRA GHANA

Thanks and I am waiting for the airway bill as soon as you buy the phone and send it through DHL

Regards

Mr. Kelvin
Reg so Kevin - ‘n Nokia N97 kos omtrent A$450, wat ‘n aansienlike entjie weg is van die oorspronklike $150 of selfs $180. Nou kan ek maar sommer twee stuur as ek graag sou wou.

Gierigheid lei tot armoede, sê hulle...

Hy het dadelik die Ghambia ding opgetel, wat beteken die adres in Ghana is heel waarskynlik korrek. My vermoede is dat hy eintlik “Emeka John Paul” is, as daar ooit so iemand bestaan. Nie dat dit saak maak nie...

Ek speel toe eers die wag-‘n-bietjie speletjie. Laat hy bietjie sweet, hy lek al sy lippe af vir die foon.

So twee dae later gooi ek hierdie email na hom toe. Persoonlik dink ek hierdie was een van my beste stukkies oorspronklike skryfwerk in 'n lang tyd:


Dear Kevin,

I have tried DHL, but they are extremely expensive. They are really being very evocative with this expedition.
[bwahaha - wat de hel beteken dit??]

Anyway, I have been looking around for the phones, and have found something. The supplier said that this phone will have non-inverting trimodiodes, but it will also work fine in Ghana and Brazil. It also has the following:

TFT resistive touchscreen,
16M colors
Erotic ringtones and vibrations
microSD (TransFlash), up to 16GB
HSDPA, 3.6 Mbps
Full 3D mp3 downloads from the Luky Dube album
Touch sensitive voice modulation via bluetooth and z-waves
Wi-Fi 802.11 b/g, UPnP technology
Jacob Zuma showerhead faceplate design - South Africas favourite style at the moment
ARM 11 434 MHz processor
MP5 version of all the songs from the Village people.
Auschwitz© AMF - (arbeit macht frei) special clip-on silencer modulator made in Germany
MP4, 2592x1944 pixels, Carl Zeiss optics, autofocus, LED flash light, video
anti-hijack warning system
tazer with exponential afterburner
Digital compass MP3/WMA/WAV/eAAC+/MP4/M4V player MPEG4/WMV/3gp/Flash video playerTV-outVoice command/dial

Pocket Office (Word, Excel, PowerPoint, PDF viewer)Video and photo editorFlash Lite 3T9

And many more things. I am not much of an expert - I only use my phone to call my business partners at Leehman brothers, but it looks like these phones these days are getting really provocative. I never thought you'd be able to play music and go on the internet with a cell phone? This is truly amazing.

I just hope you would be able to sell the phone over there, what if it doesn't work? Are you sure it works in Gambia?

Anyway, the good news is that the other company was much cheaper, and I have sent it via the waybill with Fedex. I hope you have Fedex over there, because they said so, and they took my package today. It should reach you early Saturday, if not Saturday, it will be Sunday - they go 24hours, 7 days a week.

Anyway, the waybill is ready and I have a copy - if you want a copy of the waybill I can email it to you. Let me know.

So, my friend, once again, thank you for helping. Please let me know as soon as you get the phones, and please let me know when my package will arrive from Global Couriers.

Thanks
Regards,
Chess.


Kyk mooi na daai lys van spesifikasies. Ek het so paar goed gevat van die Nokia website af - regte funksies wat die foon het - en toe gooi ek ‘n klomp science-fiction baie subtiel tussen-in.

Van die goed wat voor-die-hand-liggend moronies moet wees, is onder andere:

Touch sensitive voice modulation via bluetooth and z-waves (wat de hel is z-waves?)
Jacob Zuma showerhead faceplate design - South Africas favourite style at the moment
MP5 version of all the songs from the Village people.

my persoonlike gunsteling:
Auschwitz© AMF - (arbeit macht frei) special clip-on silencer modulator made in Germany

anti-hijack warning system
tazer with exponential afterburner
Nugter weet natuurlik wat “non-inverting trimodiodes” kan wees?

Weereens het ek gedink dit gaan hierdie ou laat wakker skrik, maar hy het my nog ‘n slag verbaas met sy swak algemene kennis.

Ek moet erken ek het verwag dat die “Leehman brothers” ding oor sy kop sal gaan. As hy egter net die moeite gedoen het om te Google, sou hy weet dat Lehman brothers verantwoordelik was vir die grootste gedeelte van die globale resessie wat ons almal nou wêreld-wyd beleef. Wys jou net - dit help om op hoogte te bly van wat in die wêreld aangaan.

Chester verwys natuurlik weereens na Ghambia, net vir die plesier daarvan.

Lees in die volgende aflewering wat volgende gebeur het.

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 4

Die arme dom Chester sukkel vreeslik met die betaling. Hy wil vreeslik graag vir “Mr Kelvin” betaal, maar die banke is moeilik met hom:

Dear mr Kevin,

I have been to the other bank, but I now have another problem. The currency of US dollars is not available from another bank where I have no account. I can only trade in foreign currency if I go to the bank where I have my account. They are very strict these days.

Why is the courier company not with Paypal or with Visa? Then I can pay with my credit card. I have bought my blow-up doll and Pamela Anderson videos with my credit card - it is very quick and easy.

Please talk to the Global Courier company, they must be able to handle credit card payments?

Otherwise you can send me the package so long, it is easier to pay for it from here once I have the invoice.

Thank you.

Please give me a call if you want me to explain over the phone. I think you have my number?

Regards,
Chester.

Weereens het die arme AWB nie ‘n enkele oproep die hele week gehad nie. Hulle kry nie eers meer vir Leon Shuster om hulle te bel op die radio nie.

Ek het gedink my storietjie oor die “blow-up doll” en Pamela Anderson gaan dalk die man se wenkbroue bietjie lig, maar hy is wragtag so dom soos ‘n baksteen.

Ek noem hom sommer “Mr Kevin”, maar die pla hom ook glad nie.

Thanks for your mail and I can see that you are finding it very difficult to send the fee because of the currency involve

Now all you have to do as soon as you receive this mail is to go and use the money in your currency and by a very good Nokia phone which is up to that amount and send it to me through speed post so that when I receive it I can sale it here and help you pay the security keeping fee and your Box will be send to you immediately without delay

I have ask Global Security Company and they told me that they don’t accept any type of credit card so the best thing is for you to use the money and buy a qulity Nokia phone and send so that I will help you sale it and pay the fee

Thanks and I am waiting to here from you as soon as you buy it so that I will give you the address where you will send it to where I can receive it here

Regards Mr. Kelvin


Chester was vreeslik dankbaar vir die vriendelike hulp. Die man se entrepreneurskap ken geen einde nie. Ek wonder hoe lank het hy aan die ene beplan? Hoe jammer dat so ‘n briljante brein nou heeltyd gemors moet word op sulke alledaagse scams? Die man kan vir Zuma ore aansit.

“Chester” is natuurlik mos ook so dom soos ‘n klip, en val dadelik vir “Mr Kevin” se goeie idee.

Chester is ‘n dankbare siel, tog te bly dat daar nog goeie mense in die wêreld is wat hom wil help.

Voeg daar by dat Chester nou nog nie weet wat in sy oorspronklike pakkie is nie, klink die idee nogal na goeie finansiële logika.

Kevin,

Thank you for all this hard work you're doing for me. These days you don't always find people who will help easily.

I have nearly bought the Nokia, but then I realised I need to make sure the model is the type that will work in Ghambia. The ones we have here may be different types, as here we have a 3G network with ultra high bandwidth and our phones have Malgoric text with multiplexing diodes.

What type of Nokia will you be able to sell in Ghambia? And which type will sell for the equivalent of around $180? (I added another $30 to the $150, so that it will pay you for your hard work)
[dis nice van my nê]

Let me know quickly please, I have some other appointments with my concubine and I need to be diligent in this matter.

Regards,
Chess

Sien, hier raak ek nou al hoe meer vrymoedig met die belaglike verwysings tussen-in. Eerstens verwys ek na sy land as Ghambia - ek wil kyk of hy dit agterkom, en dit gaan later handig te pas kom. (Jy sal later sien - dis klassiek!)

Ek het eerlikwaar gedink ek gaan die ou nou hier verloor.

Malgoric text and mutiplexing diodes” - ek bedoel, hoe dom moet jy wees om sulke twak te glo? Het hy nog nooit Google gebruik nie?

Die “concubine” gedeelte was natuurlik die kersie op die koek, en ek het regtig gedink ek gaan vir Mr Kevin en die kerk verloor na daai opmerking.

Ek begin verwys nou na myself as “Chess” - ons is mos groot buddies.

Lees later wat Kevin se reaksie was op al hierdie belaglikhede...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 3

Chester se vorige briefie aan Kelvin was mos die ene:

I don't know what western union transfer is all about. How do I pay the money?

Are these Ghana Dollars?

Regards,
Chester

Kelvin was baie vinnig met sy terugvoer, en het vir Chester mooi reggehelp met sy dom vrae:

What i mean by western union money transfer is the means you will send the money in the Bank just go to Bank and tell them you want to send money to Ghana through western union and the dollar i mean is United State of America dollar and bellow is the information the will ask you to provide before the can send the money for you

NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
STATE: ACCRA
COUNTRY: GHANA
TEXT QUESTION: WHAT FOR?
ANSWER: DELIVERY

Thanks and i am waiting to here from you
Mr. Kelvin Kwame

Uiteindelik. Bietjie meer professionaliteit. Klein letters. Maar nou is daar een lang paragraaf met een sin en geen leestekens nie. Ek voel nou al baie beter oor die hele ding. Dit moet ‘n ernstige, eerlike ou wees hierdie.

[By the way, vir die wat dit nie opgelet het nie - dit moet wees “I am waiting to hear from you" - nie here nie...] Ek wil nie eers ingaan op die res van die aaklige spelfoute nie, kyk hoeveel jy self kan ontdek.

Chester was natuurlik baie bly oor die goeie raad, en het dadelik bank toe gegaan om die geld oor te plaas:


Hi Kelvin,

Ive been to the bank, but they wanted more information from me.

They say delivery - delivery of what? I cannot just say delivery.

They also want passport number or ID document of the reciever of the funds, John Paul Emeka

What do I do now? The bank is not very understanding. It also costs me additional fees of $22.50 to use Union bank transfer.

Maybe Paypal is better to use? Or I can mail you a cheque?

Maybe you can give me a call at +27 082 897 1018

Thank you
Regards,
Chester


Ongelukkig het Oom Eugene steeds geen oproep ontvang nie. Hoe verbaas is ek nou...

Kelvin het teruggekom met die volgende briljante voorstel:


Dear Chester

Thanks for your mail to me and i was very surprise for the question you said that bank are asking you before the can send the money for you

All i want you to do as soon as you receive this mail is to take the money and go to another bank with this information bellow

NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
STATE: ACCRA
COUNTRY: GHANA
QUESTION ; GOD
ANSWER; LORD

Go to another Bank with this information and if the ask you tell them you are sending it to a Church do not tell them what you are sending the money for so that they will not try to find out what you are receiving

Thanks and i am waiting to for the payment information as soon as you send the money

Regards
Mr. Kelvin


Die perd het nou skielik baie geestelik geraak - die “church”, “God” en “Lord” is nou almal ook ingesleep in die ding in. Ek wag net vir arme Mother Mary, Maria Magdalena en Moses om ook in die ding betrokke te raak.

Ou Chester doen solank die katolieke kruis-ding hier voor sy bors, so heilig voel hy nou.

Man, dis ‘n slim boytjie die. Ek is seker hy het vir Boel Dreyer of so iemand as onderwyser op skool gehad. Dis blink idees wat hy hier kry, dit herinner my aan sekere van my permanently disadvantaged ex-kollegas daar in Bobbejania, wat altyd sulke goeie planne gemaak het om die maatskappy se finansies reg te ruk.

(Hoeveel integriteit bou jy nou op met ‘n vreemdeling as jy vir hom sê om die kerk en die Lord se naam te misbruik vir eie gewin?)

Chester vat sommer ‘n diep sluk van die bottel heilige water wat hier langs hom staan, en hy kry weer moed vir die pad vorentoe.

Die arme dom Chester sukkel vreeslik met die betaling. Hy wil vreeslik graag vir “Mr Kelvin” betaal, maar die banke is moeilik met hom.

Lees volgende keer verder oor wat Chester gedoen het...

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 2

Ek het julle mos vertel van my vriend in Ghana. Ons twee het ‘n nou paadjie saamgeloop, en voel soos ware broers - brathas of Africa.

Ons verhaaltjie het begin met ‘n email wat ek uit die bloute ontvang het. Die email het my laat weet dat ek een of ander “grand prize” gewen het, en dat ek moet laat weet of ek nog die ding wil hê. Ek (ene chester williams, alhoewel die oorspronkilke email nooit na Chester ge-adresseer was nie) het dadelik aangedui dat ek intens belangstel.

My nuwe vriend het die volgende email na my gestuur:


Global Courier Service Company
(Federal Government of Ghana Approved Diplomatic Courier Co.)
Corporate Office: Plot 62, D13 Manetville East Airport, Accra Ghana.
Tel: +233 249 141364.

*AIR FREIGHT *OCEAN CARGO *CARGO MOVEMENT*REPACKAGING
*CONTAINERIZATION *WAREHOUSING *CONSOLIDATION
__________________________________________________

ATTN; Chester Williams

WE WISH TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WE HAVE YOUR BOX IN OUR CUSTODY.OUR DIPLOMAT AGENT IN CHARGE OF THE NEXT DELIVERY TASK WILL BE LEAVING GHANA. YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO SEND THE FOLLOWING REQUIREMENT BEFORE YOUR PARCEL CAN BE INCLUDED IN THE NEXT BERGE OF DIPLOMATIC DELIVERY THAT WILL BE LEAVING, ALSO I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THE SECURITY KEEPING FEES BEFORE OUR DIPLOMATIC AGENT CAN CARRY ON WITH YOUR BOX TO YOUR ADDRESS.

BELOW ARE THE REQUIREMENT:
SECURITY KEEPING FEE: $150.00TOTAL: $150.00
BEAR IT IN MIND THAT WITHOUT OUR SECURITY KEEPING FEE YOUR BOX WILL NOT BE DELIVERED AS SCHEDULED.

YOU CAN SEND THE ABOVE MENTIONED CHARGES VIA WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER WITH THE NAME OF OUR PROTOCAL OFFICER BELOW;

NAME: EMEKA JOHN PAUL
ADDRESS: 34 NEW ACHIMOTA PLAZER,
STATE: ACCRA
COUNTRY: GHANA
TEXT QUESTION: WHAT FOR?
ANSWER: DELIVERY.

WE WAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE

YOURS FAITHFULLY,

Mr. Kelvin Kwame
+233 249 142364
Global Courier Service Company

1. YOUR FULL NAME:
Chester williams [dis nou wat ek hier invul]

2.YOUR HOME OR COMPANY ADDRESS:
P.O. Box 274, Ventersdorp, 2710 [die AWB het nog nooit so baie pos uit Ghana gekry nie...]

3. YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER:
+27 082 897 1018 [Oom Eugene se hot sekretaresse antwoord hopelik die nommer]

Die feit dat die ou professioneel genoeg is om heeltyd HOOFLETTERS dwarsdeur sy paragrawe te gebruik, wys net hoe bitter onnosel hierdie mense is. Hy dink seker hoofletters gaan die ding meer authentic laat lyk?

Maar glo my, hulle is steeds slim genoeg om idiote daar buite te vang met ‘n slap riem. (Meestal seker maar mense wat nie verstaan hoe slinks Sipho se kop kan werk nie.)

Ek het die naam en nommer baie sorgvuldig en eerlik ingevul, en toe hierdie email aangestuur na Kelvin:

I don't know what western union transfer is all about. How do I pay the money? Are these Ghana Dollars?

Regards,
chester

Heh-heh, ek weet nie watter geld-eenheid die idiote daar in Ghana gebruik nie, maar ek speel bietjie met sy klein brein. Obviously gaan 150 ghana dollas baie minder werd wees as die immergewilde greenback.

Ek het intussen al baie opgelees oor hierdie 419-scammers. Daar is websites vol inligting oor hierdie skelm werfetters. Een ding wat almal van hulle doen, is om Western Union Money Transfer te gebruik. Blykbaar kan jy geld internasionaal oorplaas via Western union, maar dis moeilik om die ou aan die ander kant weer op te spoor as jy eers jou geld na hom toe gestuur het. Kredietkaarte en Paypal is bietjie meer “secure”, en die scammertjies bly weg van hulle af.

Ek het dadelik gemaak asof ek nog nooit van hierdie Western Union ding gehoor het nie.

Lees volgende keer verder oor hoe ek en my bratha saam besigheid gedoen het, en hoe ons unieke verhouding - oor die kleur-en-landsgrense heen - gevorder het tot een van wedersydse vertroue, eenheid en 'n algemene toestand van vrede en harmonie.

Die Ghana pakkie storie - Deel 1

Ek het hierdie ervaring met so paar pelle gedeel, en op hulle aandrang het ek hierdie storie ook soos 'n vervolgverhaal neergepen. Dis nogal 'n goeie ene die, al moet ek dit self sê. Ek sal rustig begin, die storie raak skreeusnaaks soos dit aangaan.

Ek wou al lankal een van hierdie scams uitprobeer. Hierdie goed wat so in jou inbox inkom uit die bloute, en dan beloof die mense vir jou een massiewe ereksie, of jy het die Kanadese jackpot gewen. Of jou lankverwante oumagrootjie se bediende het 'n suster gehad in Ghana, en jy erf 50 miljoen dollas.

My eerste karakter was ‘n japsnees van een of ander aard. Ek vermoed hy was dalk eintlik maar net ‘n “Afrikaan”, maar ek het probeer saamspeel. Sy email was as volg:

Dear Friend, [ek het baie vriende in goeie ou Afrika]

Thank you for your prompt response to my mail. I must assure you that this transaction is 100% risk free to you before and after it is been completed.

All I require from you is your maximum co-operation to enable this transaction sail through,the total amount is in united state dollar. I contacted you purely based on the fact that your last name tallies with that of my late client, [en hier het hy actually vergeet om die "late client" se naam in te vul net agter die komma!]

Concerning the legal aspects of this inheritance claim,you have nothing to worry about.With all my years of experience as a legal practitioner,I can authoritatively and confidently assure you that all aspects of this transaction are totally safe before and after the transaction is completed and has no hazards whatsoever.

I was the legal representative/adviser of the deceased, and according to law,this entails that I am mandated to take care of all legal aspects of his business even though he is no longer alive. Based on facts available to me,my deceased client,had no next of kin to inherit the money he left behind.The bank is asking for the next of kin of my late client for claims otherwise the money will be confiscated .

But due to the fact that i am the only one who is aware that my client had no next of kin, I decided to carry out a research to find someone with similar last name as my late client,this is actually my reason for contacting you. [Dis gaaf, sê net asb wie die "client" was?]

This transaction is expected to be completed in the next 10 banking working days with your full cooperation .Therefore a high level of seriousness and trust is required from you to enable us proceed on this transaction.

It is pertinent to equally let you know that all legal angles has been carefully examined before I contacted you,so that both parties can be legally protected.

You must not entertain any fear [bwahahaha], as this transaction is going to be legally documented in your name at the Malaysia high court. All the formal documentation of this fund in your name will be done with the court here in Malaysia where this fund is lodged.

Upon your favorable response, I will send to you,my international id card other related documents backing this transaction. High degree of trust is required from you to enable us sail through this transaction ,this will be completed in the next few banking days with your co-operation and carefully following my advice and instructions.

I am prepared to offer you 40% of the total funds for your assistance input to claim and keeping this money safe in your Country 60% will be for me.

However, if you are ready to do this business with me,I advice you to call me any time of the day my phone is a call forwarded line, you can call on:011-60-142-672-398 or60-142-672-398 for proper briefing on this transaction.

Best regards
Chong Wong.

Ek skryf toe terug, met die volgende:

Dear Chong,

Thank you for sharing this deal with me.
Please send me the ID and other proofs before I continue. You know, we can never be too careful these days. Just the other day someone tried to fool me into giving away me credit card details. I cannot fall for that again, that person stole more than $15000 from me that time, and I still cannot find him. [Dis die aas aan die vislyn die]

I did not know that I had family in Malaysia. My uncle had some relatives who moved to Usbekistan long ago, maybe they ended up there. What was the name of my beloved namesake? Maybe i can find out what side of the family he was from.

Be quick to respond, I am very anxious about this transaction.

Regards,
FHK

Ek het myself Filemon Hadsome Kamagabe genoem, en sommer ‘n regtige egtige legitimate Gmail adres ook gehad vir Filemon.

My nuwe vriend Chong antwoord toe as volg:

I must assure you that this transaction is 100% risk free to you before and after it is been completed .All I require from you is your maximum co-operation to enable this transaction sail through,the total amount is in united state dollar.

You must be able to keep this transaction very confidential till the total fund is transfer to your account and any body who have access to the attach documents that might be forwarded to you in nearest future will automatically have access to the fund. [Oops- dan moet ek dit seker nie op die blog sit nie ne?]

To guarantee this payment or transaction to you i have decided to attach my personal i.d card ,upon receive of the below information i will forward to you my late client death certificate. [Ons weet nog steeds nie wie die "late client" was nie]
Once i receive all the below information's from you via email attachment,l will send you a detail email on the next stage of this transaction.

1.A copy of your driver's license or international passport.
2.Your contact phone number/fax
3.Your contact address.

Best regards
Chong Wong.
Attorney
ChamberBlock A4,
Level 1 Federal Government Administrative Centre
62612 WP Putrajaya,
Malaysia
Phone No:+60-142-672-398


Hy was vriendelik genoeg om ook sy ID te stuur. Nou vertrou ek hom ten volle. So lyk die ID:

Niemand sal kan raai dis fake nie ne?


Ek het toe vir hom ‘n fake ID van Filemon gestuur, wat so lyk:

Goeie stukkie kunswerk ne?

Ek het hard gegoogle, en ‘n “regte adres” opgebou. Die telefoon nommers was van ‘n plek met die naam Lusty ladies in Johannesburg, en die fax nommer was die AWB in Ventersdorp se nommer.

Dear Chong,
Please, my eyes are not good, and i have been trying to look at these documents but somethigns they are confusing me. Your name is Chong Wong, which is very short name, but the signatiure on your card seems to be very long one and is starting with S and H and ending with ff. But, it is hard to read clearly. Maybe you could send better ressolution picture of the ID. [Ek dink ek het bietjie te veel waarheid beklemtoon hierso]
Just to be on the careful side, I must be protecting my inheritance here. If you could please send me your barrister qualification, the one that is proof of your being a lawyer, I would be pleased. Just to make sure, I am being very cautioous, as I am not wanting to be dealing with someone who is not truly an attorney. If you are attorney, I know I can trust, because you are worthy of being man of the law.
I am sending you my ID card for your perusal and approval.
Thank you.
My telephone number is +27 (72) 075 6701,
and my cell phone number +27(82) 897 1018
Fax number +27 (86)559 6205
Address for posting:
Filemon Kamugabe
AWB HK Equality Commission
PO Box 274
Ventersdorp, 2710
Azania,
South Africa

Ek het nie weer van Chong gehoor nie. Dalk het hy die nommer gebel, en te laat besef hy betaal $30 per minuut om met die vriendelike tannie te praat? - Wie sal weet?

In elk geval, daar was so paar sulke kandidate wat nerens heen gelei het, behalwe vir ‘n paar swak emails en ‘n fake ID hier en daar nie. Ek het vinnig besef ek kan baie beter “fakes” maak as hierdie ouens, maar dis dalk nie so goeie idee om die goed in hulle hande te sit nie. Netnou word almal verpes deur Filemon Hadsome Kamagabe wat so mooi ID het...

Ek het toe bietjie weer teruggesit en planne gemaak. Iewers moet ek een van die blikskottels ‘n slag vang. Die eerste ding wat ek moet doen, is om nie ‘n “indigenous African” naam te gebruik soos Filemon Hadsome nie - die perd gaan dink ek is ook ‘n Nigerian, of hy gaan dink ek het nie regtig geld nie. Ek soek ‘n mooi engelse naam wat klink asof ek baie geld het en almal vertrou.

Dis hoe Chester Williams gebore is. Met die AWB HK se telefoon nommer as huisnommer, en hulle posadres vir briewe. Ek kan my net indink as een of ander perd met ‘n Nigeriese aksent vir Oom Eugene bel en vra vir die geld wat Chester Williams vir hom skuld. Dink jou dit in. (Jammer, ou Chess, dis net alles deel van die joke - niks persoonlik nie.)

Chester se nuwe vriend is Kelvin Kwame. Of liewer dalk Emeka John Paul? Wie sal ooit weet?

In die volgende deel van hierdie storie sal ek julle bekendstel aan Kelvin - 'n ware Afrika karakter.