Booger eyes and guttersnipes

Last night it rained for the first time in 600 years. Or something like that – it’s a record, apparently. Nothing new to me, because growing up in Namibia, which is considered to be one of the driest countries in the world, a few decades without rain never really surprised anyone. We were used to describing a yearly rainfall of 300mm as an exceptionally good year.

Anyway, that’s not what this is about.

The sound of the rain coming down is a pleasant one for desert rats like me – I was raised to always appreciate free water falling from heaven.

But the other noises that go with it – that’s what this story is about.

When I started writing this post, I recalled a funny word from memory – “guttersnipe”. I wasn’t exactly sure what it meant, but it sounded applicable to my situation. According to the World Wide Library, however, a guttersnipe is “a child who spends most of his time in the streets especially in slum areas…”, which isn’t exactly what I had in mind.

What I had in mind was something more like a combination between a sniper and a gutter, with the two connecting in a violent confrontation with each other.

The gutter next to our bedroom window has this awful way of making a dripping noise when it rains. Not a constant rhythm that you can get used to, but an annoying disoriented pattern of drips and bangs that makes you go nuts.

We had a similar problem back in Namibia, but there my solution was simple – place a flat rock or a sponge in the bottom of the gutter where it bends out, and the problem is solved. But this stupid gutter has no access point – it feeds into the ground and the water is being fed into some unknown abyss where no unauthorised members of the public have access to it.

This house also does not belong to me – I’m renting, so I can’t just start sawing and hacking off parts that I don’t like.

This does not have a soothing effect on my friendly character at 00:30 in the morning. In fact, it drives me insane. I have tried all sorts of nasty ways to get this ghastly guttersnipe to stop guttersniping. (Sounds like something the old seadog in the Tintin books would say…)

The best solution for the moment is to stick a little piece of plastic in there, so it stops the water drops from falling all the way to the bottom of the gutter. The fancy tool was hastily handcrafted from old ice cream containers. I might have added a little colourful language in the recipe too.

Every time this happens, I promise myself that I’m going to get out my electrical drill and drill out all the rivets so that I can remove (or is it snipe?) the bottom part of the gutter in order to reduce the noise pollution levels in my neighbourhood.

To top it off, once I finally got into bed, I felt my eye hurting like crazy. Went to have a look in the mirror, and it looked like I was just returning from a bar fight in a western movie. My left eye was puffed up like a watermelon.

For a brief moment I thought a spitting cobra had attacked me while I was hitting a hammer against its nest in the gutter, but then I realised that this may be a bit far-fetched. Although, at that time in the morning nothing really seems far-fetched, except the idea of getting some freaking sleep.

When I finally woke up this morning, the old lazy eye was still huffing and puffing, and this gave me enough reason to make use of one of my sick-days at work. I rang up the old doctor’s waiting room as soon as possible, but of course there is nothing available until tomorrow.

I later even tried to find a vet that would have a spot open for me. No one would make room for me and my booger-eye.

So, here I am, sitting lazily at home trying to fix up the booger-eye. Later I realised that we have a chemist within 10 minutes’ walk from our house, so I took the time and walked over to get some over-the-counter eye drops.

I’m busy preparing that drill. Today will be the day of reckoning.  Booger-eye or not, your time has come my little noisy friend!

‘n Handjie in die venster

Elke oggend groet ek al my kinders voor ek werk toe ry. Een van daai tradisies wat vir my belangrik is.

Toe sy nog kleiner was, het my jongste altyd by die sitkamer venster gaan staan as ek by die deur uitgaan. Sy kruip agter die gordyne in sodat sy die pad kan sien, en sy waai totdat sy nie meer die kar kan sien nie. Sy waai en spring op en af soos ‘n honger kind in Afrika, met ‘n groot glimlag op haar gesig.

Party oggende het ek om een of ander rede vergeet om terug te waai, en sy sal my die aand vra hoekom ek nie gewaai het nie.

Elke aand as ek by die huis kom, kry ek ‘n “Hallo, Pappa!” uitbundige groet wat na my toe aanhardloop met oop arms.

Sy is nou al 5 jaar oud, en gaan ewe “pre-primary” skool toe. Sy raak nou te groot vir die venster. Ek word nog elke dag gegroet, maar die handjie is nie meer in die venster as ek wegry nie.

Ek mis die handjie in die venster.

In sak en as

Hier Doer Onner is dit die een ramp op die ander. Dit laat mense in die buiteland seker dink die hele land val uitmekaar. As jy egter in gedagte hou die land is 'n hele kontinent wat so groot is soos die VSA, dan is dit soos om te sê 'n vloed in Mosambiek het iets te doen met Windhoek.

Na helfte van Queensland weggespoel (of weggewaai) het laas week, het die brande nou hier in Perth uitgebreek, terwyl Victoria nog steeds vloede ervaar.

Hier net Oos van Perth le so bergreeksie wat bekend staan as “The Hills”. Dis nie veel van ‘n berg nie - as jy nou van Windhoek of Kaapstad af kom is ‘n berg ‘n ding wat jy van ver af kan sien. Maar dit is die enigste iets hier rond wat soos ‘n berg lyk. Die Hills area is baie mooi, die mense bly in groot huise in die koppe met woude reg rondom hulle. Daar is baie koffiewinkels, plantewinkeltjies en organic shops en sulke arty-farty winkels. Die area is egter reg in die bos, en staan altyd groot gevaar om aan die brand te slaan. Hier in die geweste is dit bitter droog, geen nat weer soos in Queensland nie. As jy hard nies slaan die veld sommer aan die brand.

Gister oggend het ek na die radio geluister. Op 720AM radio word die hele brand in detail gevolg en verduidelik. Wat gister oggend gebeur het, was egter nogal skokkend. Hulle het die vorige dag al mense opdrag gegee om hulle huise te verlaat, en paaie is afgeblok om te keer dat hulle teruggaan. Dit beteken baie mense het slegs geweet daar is 'n brand in hulle woonbuurt, maar hulle mag nie na hulle huise toe gaan om te gaan kyk nie.

Een van die waarskuwings wat hulle oor die radio gee is "you need to leave now, or prepare to defend your property." Nie iets wat mens graag wil hoor nie.

Die volgende oggend kom almal in een of ander saal bymekaar, meeste van hulle weet nie of hulle huise nog staan nie. 'n Ou lees een vir een die huisadresse af, en sê dan wat die skade is.

124 so-and-so street - 100% damage

13 whatever road - 100% damage

So gaan hy aan.

Dink jou dit in as jy in daai saal moet sit en wag vir jou adres om gelees te word.

Ek het hierna gesit en luister terwyl dit gebeur, en mens kan nie help om ‘n knop in jou keel te kry vir hierdie arme mense nie. 

Meer as 70 huise het afgebrand, alles omdat iemand met 'n grinder gewerk het en in die proses die veld aan die brand gesteek het. Hier was 'n "total fire ban" - een van daai goed wat beteken jy mag nie braai nie - jy moet liewer "barbie" met gas. Dit beteken ook dat jy nie met implemente soos grinders mag werk in 'n oop area nie.

Mens kan sien hoekom hulle nie altyd hou van die braaivleis-vure nie.

Die regering hier is baie vinnig om mense te help, en die WA staatsregering het reeds vanoggend in die koerant genoem dat mense die volgende vergoeding sal kry:

Mr Barnett declared the Roleystone fire scene a natural disaster area but added the fact no lives had been lost was a blessing.

“On behalf of the WA Government and the people of this State I do extend my sincere sympathy to those people who have lost their homes.

“The stress, the trauma of this will go on for some time,” he said.

“There has been no loss of life. There have been three admissions to hospital through smoke inhalation and very unfortunately one volunteer firefighter was quite severely injured in a vehicle accident yesterday.”

“Whilst the level of funding is still being assessed, it is important for people to be aware early that the State Government will stand with them to ensure they get the assistance they deserve,” Mr Barnett said.

He said the Government would also provide immediate financial help to people affected by the fire.

“Families will be able to get immediate access to assistance through the Department for Child Protection,” Mr Barnett said.

The Premier made $3000 immediately available to those who had lost homes while those whose homes were damaged could apply for $1000

Dis seker nie veel nie, maar ek is seker dit help.

Hier is ‘n foto wat NASA uit die lug uit geneem het van die twee brande in Perth.  Jy kan die Hills sien soos wat dit van bo na onder loop in die regterkant van die foto:

Life without engineering

Yikes.  During my previous post I made a few insensitive jokes about Cyclone Bianca, as it did not really have any impact on Perth.  But on the other side of the continent, cyclone Yasi has been raging like an angry dictator with bad indigestion.

This mother of a storm was a category 5 cyclone and caused a lot of havoc around those parts.

The amazing part of this story is the fact that no one was seriously injured or killed during this storm so far, apart from a man who was killed by the fumes of a generator in his room. 

This is all due to the fact that there was enough early warning and that people had enough time to prepare for the worst.  Right across the world everyone was watching expectantly.

Imagine in the old days when the only warning you had was the birds that disappeared and the ants that started going Rambo on you.  According to some of my friends over East, on the day Yasi reached the continent, it was still a clear bright sunny morning and you would have thought it to be a great day to hang around the beach.

All this early warning is due to modern technology and the marvels of electronic engineering, combined with a few other sciences of course.  Without the reliable instruments and communication systems no one would have known what was coming.  Without the satellite footage and the radar images, combined with pressure, wind and temperature measurements this would have been a disaster and thousands would probably have been killed. 

Without great communication tools like radio, TV, phones and the internet, people out in the country would have been sleeping with the barn windows open when the cyclone hit.  We would have seen a lot more flying cows and a few people would have thought their mother-in-law turned into a witch because she was flying around on a tree trunk.

All thanks to the geeky nerds who became engineers and scientists.  Those same geeks who were bullied by the redneck jerks in school now saved those same brainless muscled idiots.  They always win in the end.

Unfortunately there was a huge material loss for many people.  Farmers lost crops and people lost their homes and cars.  People’s jobs and sources of income were wiped out over night.  Not a laughing matter at all.

But thanks to engineering, it was not as bad as it could have been.

Unfortunately this also means that these climate change nuts will gain a lot of support with their fear-mongering.  They still seem to think that man can actually control weather like this.  All of this was apparently caused by my 3.8 liter V6 engine guzzling fossil fuels and spewing carbon dioxide into the air.

I’ll think about that while I drive out to the beach this afternoon.

Hold on to yer hat mate

Today was one of those days where Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau would say “my, what vundeful wethah we are havink today?…”

The temperature last night was a chilly 26.1 degrees Celsius.

The cyclone also contributed to weather conditions which produced the city's hottest night in 10 months.

The temperature hit 26.1 degrees at 1.57am and continued to climb.

The morning started out pretty hot, and we spent half the day in our little blow-up swimming pool.  Suddenly the clouds gathered and it poured like never before, only to open up again and let the sun burn down on us like someone left open a massive microwave oven.

Two days ago the ants started an all-out assault against me and my household.  This was not the normal trail of ants that you occasionally see, this was a full-on invasion.  By Friday I told my wife there’s bound to be rain on the way, if you look at the way these ants are taking over.  “I know these things”, proudly announced…

This however seemed unlikely with the temperatures continually being in the high 30’s, and not a cloud in sight for the last 2 months.  Is this what Noah felt like before he saw that small cloud on the horizon?

We’ve also been receiving some disturbing warnings from the powers-that-be.

They are telling us a category 3 cyclone is on the way. 

OK, so what exactly is a category 3 cyclone? Should I be concerned?

I’ve been trying to figure out what this means, but could not quite get an uncomplicated answer, apart from some tips as to how you should remove loose objects from your backyard and don’t drive around too much in the rain.

We are asking people to get ready for it and certainly reassess their plans for travelling, camping, boating as Saturday goes on, which could be dangerous” he said.

“We’re asking people to prepare their properties inside and out and check their emergency plan and get emergency kits up to date and make sure they are ready and refreshed with batteries for their torch and transistor."

I don’t see how batteries and torches are going to help me when a howling twister drags me away screaming and kicking?

I did manage to find this pretty picture of Bianca, and it looks like it’s going to be a great day for some amateur photography:

It seems that they cannot really predict her exact path:

FESA State Emergency Service is advising people to start planning for bad weather and listen for further advice about the weather, which it described as very unusual. It could cause significant damage to homes and make travel dangerous.

I have decided to try out our new kite with the kids tomorrow.  Apparently these cyclones bring in quite a nice breeze and we should be able to get the kite flying like a dove.  I think it’ll be a great day to go to the park, throw something on the barbie and let the kite show us what it’s made of.  I’ll take my camera along, maybe there will be some nice cloud coverage – clouds always make great photos.

I’ll also set apart some time to get up on my roof and adjust my TV antenna.  Last time when we had the hailstorm the reception was just awful, so this time I’ll be there to fix her up.

I wonder how long these things last?  2 minutes, maybe 3?  Who knows.  I’ll try to snap a few photos before the sun comes out again.

I’ll keep you posted.

Australia Day

Gister was Australia Day, en soos gewoonlik was dit ‘n groot fees regoor die land. Mense trek op na die stad in hulle hordes, en gister was daar meer as 300,000 mense by die feesvieringe. Almal trek op met kinders en pakkasies en hou piekniek al hier van 4uur die middag af. Teen 7 uur raak dit skielik baie meer beknop, maar elke ou kry darem nog ‘n sitplekkie iewers in Kings Park.

Die vuurwerke begin net na 8 uur, en die volkslied word uit volle bors gesing net voor dit afskop. Mense bring hulle radios saam en dan speel die radiostasie die musiek vir die volkslied en die vuurwerke.

Die atmosfeer is altyd baie positief en mens kan nie help om saam te “oi oi oi” nie.

Hier is ‘n paar fotos

A horror-movie experience at the “New” Esplanade

This year my wife and I celebrated 15 years of married bliss. This means that I know how to identify her “don’t come hither” look, and she has accepted the fact that my “lean and mean” body may be a little less lean but probably a lot meaner.

During a few of those “don’t come hither” moments, she was dropping a lot of hints about wanting to be booked into a nice hotel for a night. Just the two of us, without kids and TVs and computers and cooking and ironing and gardening.

I, of course, loved the idea – it might even turn that look into a “come hither”, if I played my cards right.

But the logistics didn’t exactly work out the way we thought it would. I googled Perth’s hotels for something “affordable” (which means “cheap-as”, but still worth throwing your money at). In the meanwhile we couldn’t get the kids’ sleep-overs arranged on the right date, so had to change the booking date. I saw adverts for quite a few nice spots in the CBD, and then this one jumped up at me.

It had a special discount just for January.

The cost was $118 for a couple, and offered me a great view on the Swan river. Who could resist?

They proudly stated

“Our standard rooms are spacious and newly decorated.
All front rooms face the breathtaking Swan River. They are located on the floors 1 to 6.”

They also claimed to have the following Room facilities:

» Fully air-conditioned » Colour LCD TV

» Ensuite with bath/shower

» Radio & Hairdryer

» Mini bar

» Refrigerator

» Coffee and Tea making facilities

» International Direct Dial

IDD/STD Telephone

I grabbed my credit card and started booking online. I made sure I requested one of those great rooms with a view on the river.

The email came soon enough – booking confirmed. They also supplied the following information:

Breakfast is served daily in the foyer. Price is $25 for cooked, or $18 for a continental per person.
Car parking is available at $25 / day. Height = 2.1m (7ft 1 in)
extra person is $46 per person / day
wireless internet access. please see wifi pricing (3rd party service)
#check in on the day of arrival is after 2pm. check out by 10am. Reception hours: 24/7

I thought the breakfast was a bit on the pricey side but assumed that this was because it’s such good quality.  I never really got to the point of confirming this, however.

The missus was very excited about the whole affair. We couldn’t get rid of the kids soon enough, and finally we were on the freeway on the way the city. I had a Google map direction to follow, but once I hit Howard Street, the place was nowhere to be found. It turns out Google maps had a little error, but we soon found the entrance around the corner in The Esplanade. We walked up to the 24/7 reception area and found an Asian man who was busy on the phone.

When he finally attended to us we were all too excited about getting to our room. We requested access to the parking bay and moved on to get our car parked.

The attendant who worked at the parking bay gate reminded me of some of the hawkers I saw in Singapore. He gave us a piece of paper that we were to have in the car at all times, and another little receipt that would help us get through the boom gate. We had to park on level C or higher.

Moving a Kia Carnival around a parking bay area is always a chore, but this was like driving a tank through a McDonalds’ drive-through. We finally found an open hole the size of a mini, and I gently forced our 8 seater bus into the little spot.

We removed our baggage from the Kia and started looking for the entry door to the hotel. All we could find was a little dodgy elevator that had buttons with illogical floor numbers on it. If you moved sideways and pulled your luggage behind you, you could barely make it past the door into the lift. It was a little larger than a Barbie doll house, and looked like it was built just before Hitler killed himself.

We pushed a few buttons to see what would happen. All the floors had access doors that were locked, and our keys wouldn’t open them. The car park had an awful garbage smell and reminded me of some of my visits to Opuwo in Namibia. Old smelly puddles of water were all over the place, and you had to tread very carefully. We had to ride all the way down to the ground floor, walk around the dirty dark alleys and enter the hotel through a little side-door, trying not to be hit by any oncoming traffic.

“Phew – finally out of the dirty alleys and into the great luxurious hotel”, I thought.

We walked over to the hotel’s inside elevator and I noticed that the wooden handrails looked like they were falling apart. I thought this was probably just something that happened recently and that it would be fixed soon – these things happen.

We found our room on the 6^th floor and this is where the penny really dropped for me.

What exactly they meant by “newly decorated” is beyond me. What met my eyes was a room from hell. This may have been newly decorated in 1955. The room had a view of the river, but you had to look through the tree branches to see a glimpse of it.

The bay windows were taped up with cello-tape for some reason. The bed felt like it was standing on three eggs, and the linen seemed like it hadn’t been washed for the last 30 years. The air conditioner was like something out of a 1960’s sci-fi movie, and sounded like it was going to tear the whole building apart. It sounded a lot like a Boeing 747 taking off from Luanda airport.

And then I walked around to inspect the bathroom. This is where I made my decision to go back home.  Some people might think I’m just a snob, but so be it.

The toilet seat was made of some black material that was probably banned in 1956. The shower was one of those in-the-bath thingies with a stupid shower curtain that would only help the water to distribute more evenly onto the bathroom floor.

By the way, I’ve never seen one of those that actually work. Either they flood the whole bathroom, or they creep up into your bum while you try to catch a drop of water from your creepy shower head. They should be declared illegal.

I gave this beautifully restored bathroom the once-over and decided to get the hell out of dodge.

My wife was still excited about getting out of the house, but I just had it. I apologised to her profusely – this was not what I had in mind. None of the “come-hither” stuff is going to happen on this creepy bed anyway… even I have my pride.

I walked down to “reception”, and when Mr Chong finally attended to me I said I wanted to cancel my booking as I’m not happy with this crappy hole. He informed me that I had to talk to the manager, but the manager would only be in by the morning.

I politely notified him that I would unfortunately not be here in the morning, and that I would be sending a friendly email to the manager. I now ran the risk of still paying $118 for the room plus $25 of smelly parking space, but I decided to take that chance rather than spend a night wondering when a bikie gang would take over our room, or when a snake would crawl out from under the bed to kill one of the rats.

We drove around a little and then decided to go for a pizza and a DVD rental. So we spent a night watching a movie alone at home with no kids around.

My email to the manager included some subtle threats like referring this matter to the ACCC and calling the FBI, the KGB and the hit man from Arizona. They quite surprisingly replied by offering that: ”as a sign of good faith” they would not charge anything to my credit card.

The manager did take the time to inform me that “We are only a 3.5 star hotel, not a 5 star. Hence the reasonable rates quoted.”

I wonder how they got those 3.5 stars? Maybe they got them in 1944 and have been desperately holding on to them since then. What does half a star mean anyway?

Honestly, I’ve stayed in a lot of 2-star rated places all over Southern Africa, and all of them have better facilities than this. Beware of Australian stars – they obviously use a different system than other parts of the world, and they don’t seem to re-evaluate these ratings.

If you want to experience the third world in a first world country, by all means book yourself in at the “New” Esplanade in Perth. Don’t let the word “New” fool you however – it was already old when they bombed Hiroshima.